Ha! See this is one of the reasons why I love Penelope. She always has the most amazing viewpoints that offer perspective that I would never have considered. But she is completely right. For a lot of women sex is about all of those things. It's funny that for men sex is just about getting off. Maybe there was some dysfunction in my childhood, I would be the last person to argue that point, but I never saw sex as something that was related to that. If there was ever a thought in my head that had anything to do with my parents regarding sex it was only that I wasn't going to let their expectations, their value system or their wishes influence what I wanted. I'd had it proven to me enough times that their virtues were less than virtuous. And that's about all I have to say about that.
I do find it fascinating that, in this society, it's perfectly acceptable for men to enjoy sex just for the sake of it yet for a woman to do so is considered sketchy. I never really quite understood those women who would go on and on about how demeaning it is for those poor depraved porn starlets to have to do that for money. I saw what they were doing as amazing.. they got to fuck all these amazing cocks and get paid for it too? Wow. Diseases aside, it seems like a pretty sweet deal. But I digress...
I love to fuck. I love to see other people having a great time fucking. All those other things aren't even remotely a consideration for me. In my youth I sought out older guys for a few different reasons, not the least of which was that they were typically experienced enough in the process in general that they would actually pursue sex. Most 14 year old boys don't have the confidence required to actively engage a girl for the purpose of sex.. hell they're just happy you're talking to them! In addition to the confidence factor there were practical reasons as well for seeking out older guys. They often had cars, a place to go, a friend with a place to go. Geez.. I just imagined the picture of me in my youth desperately seeking out some good place to go and get some good fucking on that you might be conjuring.. how sordid it must seem! I guess I won't go into detail about the random guy I fucked in the back seat of an unlocked car on some nameless street behind his high school on that dark and rainy night.. or the condom we left on the floor in the back seat.. oh wait. Oops. ;)
Yes people, I was a slut. Maybe I still am. I think that the way I went about finding guys protected me to a large degree from the social fallout that would very likely have come my way had I been tempted to feed the fires of desire with guys I actually went to school with. In the simplest definition the older ones were safer. They also happened to be more attractive to me. They tended to be taller and more rugged looking. So really, the fact that I gravitated more towards older guys wasn't necessarily dictated by one particular thing. It was a combination of factors that included attraction and concern for my social standing. And the fact that they actually knew how to please me was bonus.
I love P's free association list. I just have to do this..
Sex becomes about giving the guy what he wants.
The insinuation here is that it's only being given because he wants it. But when I want it too then that doesn't work.
Sex becomes a choice between being good or being bad.
Ha. Who cares? If it feels good do it. If it's "bad" then it's only because society is all fucked up. How can something that feels so good, and is a biological requirement for the continuation of the species, ever be considered "bad"? Totally not valid to me.
Sex is about hoping the guy likes you, being so insecure that you 'give it up' at the expense of the higher morals and values that you're 'supposed' to have in the situation.
This only works if the guy you're trying to catch wants a woman with "higher" morals and values. I, for one, do not believe that denying yourself sex so you can play power trips is necessarily a moral thing indicative of higher values. To me that's just lying.. and playing games that have no place in a loving, open relationship. If that is the basis for the relationship then count me out. And any guy who would believe in that is not worth much to begin with.
Sex is about deciding what and how much to give to maintain the balance between being good or being a slut, giving a guy enough so that he is happy and still respects you versus giving him too much so that he thinks you're a slut and talks about you to his friends.
If said guy can't appreciate and value what he has available in me and make efforts to avoid hurting my feelings then he's not worth much either.
Sex is about thinking you're not good enough, so you just give it up to whoever wants you so you feel affection and as if you're liked.
Interestingly, I think this is a bit backwards. I think that there's a piece missing from this statement that would have to include something about said guy just fucking you and then moving on. But, if it's understood that the tryst is just that then it might actually serve the opposite purpose, if any purpose was intended to begin with. If a guy likes you well enough to want that sort of interaction then you've already moved past the initial barrier of not feeling worthy or attractive. If the whole idea is to simply obtain validation then the pursuit is validating enough. The fact that the desire is there in the first place is cause enough for validation. Why ruin it with sex, risking that the pursuit will end, if you don't want that yourself?
Sex is only really right if it is about love. If it is not about love, then you should feel guilty about it.
LOL. Sorry.. but in my mind love and sex are two very separate things. I can feel the deepest love in the world without ever touching a person's privates. And guilt, well that's just another connection society has made between a powerful emotion that should never be tied to sex, unless you're doing something illegal that's hurting someone. Sex is amazing, sex is freeing, and it feels so good. How can guilt be associated with that?
Sex is about giving in, and then feeling guilty afterwards.
Not standing your ground, no matter what the subject, is cause for remorse. This can only apply in sex if you don't want it yourself. And if you don't.. why not?? Are the lessons that society teaches so overwhelmingly powerful that we are helpless to question them?
Women are not supposed to "want" sex, like "that." If she does, she does so at the expense of being looked down upon by most people. (At least in young adulthood. If she's married and has a voracious sexual appetite, then the husband's just lucky.)
I'm seeing a theme emerge here. These ideas are all based on a puritanical viewpoint. I was raised in the church, these ideas are not foreign to me. I touched earlier on the fact that my parents, the people who were charged with instilling these so-called virtuous values and ideals that I was expected to carry forward into my adult life and later pass on to my children, were less than virtuous themselves. If anything that taught me it was that just because they had an association with the church and righteousness did not make them righteous people. I learned at a very young age by example to question authority. I never stopped doing it. It may very well be that my need to question what society states as being acceptable is the basis for my sexual freedom. Hm.
And most of all, for a woman, sex is mostly about being desired, not about actively desiring.
Interesting. I think, no, I know that even women perceived as unattractive by many will still be attractive to some. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all, and working your whole life to fit into some ideal of what is "attractive" is a waste of time. Because after you've spent your whole life devoted to making yourself attractive to others, acceptable to others, the only one that really matters is you. You have to be able to accept and love yourself for the person you are before you can ever hope to really truly earn the attraction of another person. I'm not saying that many women don't do just that.. but after face lifts, boob jobs, liposuction, tooth whitening, whatever, they are still the same people within. Beauty begins from the inside. But then I color my hair so who am I to preach? =)
Yes, P, you're totally correct. These days a lot of the guys I played with would be thrown in the slammer for life, called pedophiles, lives destroyed, blah blah blah. I wasn't thinking about that then.. although there was one guy I remember who, despite repeated efforts on my part, resisted. He would only go so far and then the brakes came on. Although I was disappointed I understood his reasoning and simply accepted that. The fact that he was headed towards becoming a police officer may very well have had something to do with it. But was what we were doing really so bad? I never thought of it as being so. I was appreciative that I had these opportunities to play and explore at a time when my hormones were raging out of control. If I had been stuck with 14 and 15 year old man wannabes I would likely have become a nun.
I didn't fully understand and appreciate my attraction for other females until later. I must have been 16 before my first girl-girl sexual experience. Maybe that has something to do with it. Being bi-sexual I must have a slightly different brain chemistry or whatever than a strictly heterosexual female. Maybe, just maybe, a little bit of those man brain cells grew inside my head and gave me a different perspective. One that allows me to enjoy sex for no other reason than it feels so fucking good.
As far as fucking if there's something brewing between Poseidon and I all I can say is this. I feel like, except for one brief moment in our time together, we have always been joined. The connection that we share is so incredibly deep and strongly rooted that any little thing that comes up that generates strife between us is recognized as just that.. a little thing. In the grand scheme of things we know deep down inside that, although we may disagree on a topic or whatever, it isn't going to be something capable of dividing us. That knowledge and strength that binds us together makes it easier to just put the stupid little shit on hold. It's just not significant enough to disrupt our deeper connection. And dammit.. if the opportunity comes up.. we're jumping all over it! Let the fucking commence!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
On sex..
I've been lurking over on Justin & Betty's blog.. go check it out. They're at an interesting point in their journey and I've been thinking about what it all means to me. I think the best way to say it is thusly:
I love sex. I have since my hormones first started raging at the tender age of 13. Well.. no.. to be fair.. I was probably too freaked out by it all at 13 to really embrace it.. but by 14.. well that's another story. In those days we didn't know about AIDS and the big concern was pregnancy. It didn't take much to overcome that issue though so what was left was this amazing thing that was just awesome! Maybe I was just addicted to the oxytocin, but I loved sex and sought it out with guys who would not threaten my social position in 8th grade, as much of one as there was. They tended to be older, more experienced, more than happy to help educate a hot little blond slut of my tender years. I loved every minute of it. And, not to sound like I'm blowing my own horn here (he he) I loved that they had a pretty good time too.
I never saw sex for what a lot of the other girls I knew seemed to. They would use it as power, control, a few even entrapped men into marriage after they seemingly got pregnant intentionally. I lost a lot of respect for women in those days. Ha. They likely had no respect for me because I was the school slut, or so they may have guessed. I suppose the whole idea of just enjoying sex for sex's sake was a foreign concept to them. I didn't want or need any of that other baggage.. I just wanted to get off. And knowing that what I did was good at helping my partner get off was icing on the cake.
As I've grown and lived and life has evolved into more responsibility I still love sex. I still see it for what it is. It's just plain old sweaty fun. I watch my kids play in the sandbox, or swing on the swings, and I see them having their playtime the way they like it. Not that I don't love digging my toes down into the warm sand, and swinging is right up there on my list, but nothing.. NOTHING.. beats a 5 minute long orgasm. Now that's playtime the way I like it!
I feel sad for those women who can't embrace sex.. who have to use it for some other gain. I feel sad for their partners. They're both missing out on this amazing part of life that, I feel, should just be enjoyed just for the sake of enjoying it, for themselves and for their partner. I don't really understand it all, and I don't really need to. Thankfully, I'm not really in a position in life where I have to think about them all that often. Hm.. maybe that's why Poseidon and I can still fuck like bunnies if there's something brewing between us. We both see sex as a release.. I won't hold it from him because he didn't take out the garbage. I want it just as much as he does. We both derive benefit from the experience of sex. All that other nattering crap doesn't matter when he's pounding his cock deep in me, driving me to the brink of orgasm. Who gives a shit about the garbage at a time like that? Mmm.. just thinking about it is making me wet.
Ahem. The other component of this whole thing that I wanted to touch on is this. When I was young and having a great time exploring my sexuality I found I enjoyed very much the variety I was privy to. I never really seemed to latch on to one particular guy (or girl) choosing instead to remain free to pursue anybody I wanted. In a way, it may be that shared quality with many men that tended to make the male of the species a better friend to me. I never had an easy time making friends with women. Later introspection gave more explanations for that, but at the time I just felt more comfortable with guys. They didn't seem to play the same kinds of head games that the girls did. They seemed instead to be more interested in life for the experience, a perspective that I shared.
I was beginning to get concerned at sometime around 16 when I started to see other girls talking about long term relationships and commitment. Here these girls hadn't even yet gone off to college and actually seemed to be desirous of an exclusive relationship, with ONE guy, for the rest of their lives. I panicked. I wasn't sure what I wanted at that point, but I knew it wasn't that. I wanted to be able to have the variety I'd become accustomed to and enjoyed. But then I wanted kids, family, stability, security as well. I had begun to believe I would have to make a choice.
Then I met Poseidon who changed all of that. My naive little self hadn't considered that there was a third option. I learned it would be possible to have my cake and eat it too. We both loved sex for the sake of sex and we both enjoyed the other enjoying sex with others. We had a very interesting and unconventional relationship that broke the rules. Rules written by the society we are part of and, for the most part, are forced to conform to. Had we been raised in a society that said that every other Thursday you were allowed, nay expected, to go enjoy sex with someone other than your spouse, then none of us would have any hangups about doing it. We, as humans, only know what is taught to us when it comes to what's "normal". Despite what our society has taught us, I don't really see anything wrong with sex. It's interesting to think back on all the various reasons why sex became the closely guarded thing that it did but that's fodder for another post.
In the meantime, I think of the variety of sex with others than my life partner a bit like the variety I enjoy when I eat a meal. Sometimes I'm just in the mood for something different. It isn't so much that I wouldn't eat filet mignon at every dinner for the rest of my life, and enjoy it immensely, but sometimes I just feel like caviar, or pizza, or penne with truffle sauce, or a BBQ bacon cheeseburger, or whatever. Imagine a society in which it was expected that, once you hit some certain marker in your maturation, you are doomed to eat the same thing, day in and day out. I guess dogs do it.. and we could too.. but doing so would certainly not have the excitement and level of enjoyment that the variation provides for. And I enjoy that excitement. I enjoy the newness, the heart pounding exploration that goes with playing sexually with another person with whom I am not completely familiar. Interestingly enough, I love to cook. Sharing the meals I make with people who can appreciate them is gratifying to me. I enjoy them enjoying what I have created. Hm.. interesting.
I also happen to enjoy it when my husband gets to experience those same things. I know how amazing it is for me, and because we've talked about it, I know that it is just as amazing for Poseidon. I love that for him. I love for him to be able to experience the same excitement. It's a major concern.. if you're just doing it to make the other partner happy then you'll always feel resentment and these things will never work out. But, if you're doing it because you love it, and you love that your partner loves it too, and you derive enjoyment from their happiness, then I can't think of any reason why we wouldn't share ourselves by exploring and playing with others.
More complicated issues like balance come into the picture, of course, and the issues that keep us treating each other fairly are of the utmost concern. There's the whole issue of societal acceptance. I really am not all that concerned about what my neighbors think about me.. but still.. we do find ourselves quite concerned about appearances. Perhaps too much so. Having children amplifies that. We are not blind to the stigma, the unfair taunting they would have to endure if this sort of thing got out, and so we are careful. But in a mature, responsible group of people where there is no danger of divulgence or disease, I vote for wild sticky frolicking every other Thursday. At least.
I love sex. I have since my hormones first started raging at the tender age of 13. Well.. no.. to be fair.. I was probably too freaked out by it all at 13 to really embrace it.. but by 14.. well that's another story. In those days we didn't know about AIDS and the big concern was pregnancy. It didn't take much to overcome that issue though so what was left was this amazing thing that was just awesome! Maybe I was just addicted to the oxytocin, but I loved sex and sought it out with guys who would not threaten my social position in 8th grade, as much of one as there was. They tended to be older, more experienced, more than happy to help educate a hot little blond slut of my tender years. I loved every minute of it. And, not to sound like I'm blowing my own horn here (he he) I loved that they had a pretty good time too.
I never saw sex for what a lot of the other girls I knew seemed to. They would use it as power, control, a few even entrapped men into marriage after they seemingly got pregnant intentionally. I lost a lot of respect for women in those days. Ha. They likely had no respect for me because I was the school slut, or so they may have guessed. I suppose the whole idea of just enjoying sex for sex's sake was a foreign concept to them. I didn't want or need any of that other baggage.. I just wanted to get off. And knowing that what I did was good at helping my partner get off was icing on the cake.
As I've grown and lived and life has evolved into more responsibility I still love sex. I still see it for what it is. It's just plain old sweaty fun. I watch my kids play in the sandbox, or swing on the swings, and I see them having their playtime the way they like it. Not that I don't love digging my toes down into the warm sand, and swinging is right up there on my list, but nothing.. NOTHING.. beats a 5 minute long orgasm. Now that's playtime the way I like it!
I feel sad for those women who can't embrace sex.. who have to use it for some other gain. I feel sad for their partners. They're both missing out on this amazing part of life that, I feel, should just be enjoyed just for the sake of enjoying it, for themselves and for their partner. I don't really understand it all, and I don't really need to. Thankfully, I'm not really in a position in life where I have to think about them all that often. Hm.. maybe that's why Poseidon and I can still fuck like bunnies if there's something brewing between us. We both see sex as a release.. I won't hold it from him because he didn't take out the garbage. I want it just as much as he does. We both derive benefit from the experience of sex. All that other nattering crap doesn't matter when he's pounding his cock deep in me, driving me to the brink of orgasm. Who gives a shit about the garbage at a time like that? Mmm.. just thinking about it is making me wet.
Ahem. The other component of this whole thing that I wanted to touch on is this. When I was young and having a great time exploring my sexuality I found I enjoyed very much the variety I was privy to. I never really seemed to latch on to one particular guy (or girl) choosing instead to remain free to pursue anybody I wanted. In a way, it may be that shared quality with many men that tended to make the male of the species a better friend to me. I never had an easy time making friends with women. Later introspection gave more explanations for that, but at the time I just felt more comfortable with guys. They didn't seem to play the same kinds of head games that the girls did. They seemed instead to be more interested in life for the experience, a perspective that I shared.
I was beginning to get concerned at sometime around 16 when I started to see other girls talking about long term relationships and commitment. Here these girls hadn't even yet gone off to college and actually seemed to be desirous of an exclusive relationship, with ONE guy, for the rest of their lives. I panicked. I wasn't sure what I wanted at that point, but I knew it wasn't that. I wanted to be able to have the variety I'd become accustomed to and enjoyed. But then I wanted kids, family, stability, security as well. I had begun to believe I would have to make a choice.
Then I met Poseidon who changed all of that. My naive little self hadn't considered that there was a third option. I learned it would be possible to have my cake and eat it too. We both loved sex for the sake of sex and we both enjoyed the other enjoying sex with others. We had a very interesting and unconventional relationship that broke the rules. Rules written by the society we are part of and, for the most part, are forced to conform to. Had we been raised in a society that said that every other Thursday you were allowed, nay expected, to go enjoy sex with someone other than your spouse, then none of us would have any hangups about doing it. We, as humans, only know what is taught to us when it comes to what's "normal". Despite what our society has taught us, I don't really see anything wrong with sex. It's interesting to think back on all the various reasons why sex became the closely guarded thing that it did but that's fodder for another post.
In the meantime, I think of the variety of sex with others than my life partner a bit like the variety I enjoy when I eat a meal. Sometimes I'm just in the mood for something different. It isn't so much that I wouldn't eat filet mignon at every dinner for the rest of my life, and enjoy it immensely, but sometimes I just feel like caviar, or pizza, or penne with truffle sauce, or a BBQ bacon cheeseburger, or whatever. Imagine a society in which it was expected that, once you hit some certain marker in your maturation, you are doomed to eat the same thing, day in and day out. I guess dogs do it.. and we could too.. but doing so would certainly not have the excitement and level of enjoyment that the variation provides for. And I enjoy that excitement. I enjoy the newness, the heart pounding exploration that goes with playing sexually with another person with whom I am not completely familiar. Interestingly enough, I love to cook. Sharing the meals I make with people who can appreciate them is gratifying to me. I enjoy them enjoying what I have created. Hm.. interesting.
I also happen to enjoy it when my husband gets to experience those same things. I know how amazing it is for me, and because we've talked about it, I know that it is just as amazing for Poseidon. I love that for him. I love for him to be able to experience the same excitement. It's a major concern.. if you're just doing it to make the other partner happy then you'll always feel resentment and these things will never work out. But, if you're doing it because you love it, and you love that your partner loves it too, and you derive enjoyment from their happiness, then I can't think of any reason why we wouldn't share ourselves by exploring and playing with others.
More complicated issues like balance come into the picture, of course, and the issues that keep us treating each other fairly are of the utmost concern. There's the whole issue of societal acceptance. I really am not all that concerned about what my neighbors think about me.. but still.. we do find ourselves quite concerned about appearances. Perhaps too much so. Having children amplifies that. We are not blind to the stigma, the unfair taunting they would have to endure if this sort of thing got out, and so we are careful. But in a mature, responsible group of people where there is no danger of divulgence or disease, I vote for wild sticky frolicking every other Thursday. At least.
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