Where's My Crystal Ball?

As a child, before I met Poseidon, I had this idealized vision of what "the one" for me would be. I seriously doubted that I would ever find the man or woman who was my vision of perfection, but I still had hope. Then I met Poseidon. And although not the ultimate definition of what I wanted in that "perfect love", we connected on basically everything. We were so alike in so many ways, the friendship we developed was enough for me to dismiss my prior dreams as childish and recognize that he was what I needed. I gave up the fantasy and loved him completely. We were great partners, companions, friends. My best friend, in fact. I never doubted our emotional connection, although there were times that I wished that he could be a little more feeling, a little more connected to me emotionally. I understood logically that it just wasn't that way and accepted it. We shared decades together on exactly the same page.

Then one day I found myself on an interesting journey with my life partner. We explored new concepts of sharing love.. not just sex. We met Penelope and Odysseus and got to know them. We spent countless hours in chat, writing emails, on the phone, and eventually in person. Everyone here knows what an amazing guy Odysseus is, and pretty early on I felt that "there he is" feeling. Here was a man who could feel me. And, it seemed, we connected deeply. We held back no emotions and all jumped into the experience without reservations. It was amazing. I had discovered that it was not too late to find "the one" and basked in the assurance that having that dream could still happen, albeit in an unusual union of 4 instead of 2.

Then real life happened. There were difficulties integrating "the secret" into every day life. Big and little things had to be figured out, discomforts dealt with, boundaries and limitations put in place. Emotions soared out of control on occasion, but it was all part of the process of integrating each other into our lives.. into reality. We all knew we could not continue living that fantasy and so things changed to be more agreeable, more comfortable, more sustainable, for us all. Emotions were reigned in and sex was out. Somewhere around that time Penelope and Odysseus got pregnant.. and any remaining show of affections seemingly vanished overnight.

I grieved for what I had found and then lost. Although the "no sex" rule had been put in place there had never been any spoken requirement to shut off emotions.. and yet it seemed that was exactly what had happened. It confused me.. was it ever real? Was it all just more ego stroking? Doubts soared, and those coupled with all that was going on with Hera, and virtually no discussion about it, left me lost. Meanwhile I wanted, no needed, that connection from Poseidon more than ever.. but it's just not in his nature. I felt guilty for wanting more than Poseidon could give me.. no matter how much I wanted him to. I felt resentment and anger towards Poseidon for not being that for me, for not wanting to be that for me, assuming he could be if he even did want to be. We suffered communication and emotional breakdown. I picked him apart, found (or agreed with) every fault and tried, subconsciously, to divide us. Perhaps my twisted logic said that if he wasn't there I wouldn't have to endure the guilt and confusion of all that was spinning around uncontrollably in my head. It didn't help that he responded with anger and confusion of his own, fueling the path to destruction.

But we're stronger than that at our core. We picked it apart, we talked about it, analyzing it till we were both so drained there was simply no energy left. With our base logic and the tremendous support we have for each other, plus a core belief that we should each do everything we can to help the other be happy, we figured out what was going on and were able to see it for what it was. It's taken a lot of effort to get here. Penelope and Odysseus have themselves been remarkably helpful and supportive through this process that they no doubt found exceptionally confusing.. and perhaps even scary at times. The exploration of self, of what drives us and our reactions, has been intense and exhausting, but I wouldn't change a thing. Penelope and I have become great friends and I love her tremendously. I'm torn apart by wanting more from her and Odysseus than they are comfortable giving, and the comfort and security I want her to feel knowing SHE is the only one who is important to Odysseus, the only one he would choose to love.

Having realized all of this has smoothed things with Poseidon again. We're best friends, and always will be. I'm hopeful that he can come to a place soon where he can forgive me completely for what I've put him through. With each of these challenges that we're faced with and are able to work through, our love for each other grows and is strengthened, and I've never felt more in love with Poseidon than I do right now.

As for the 4 of us.. I can dream of a time when we can all share our love openly and securely amongst ourselves without concern for the oppressive views of society.. just truly loving each other together in love's most perfect form. It may be possible if we can focus on the positive energy and support and let go of the fear. As the strength and beauty of what our group is can only be had with all of us present and participating, division from within would be certain destruction. Only the future knows what may come, and its not sharing any secrets.