Ramblings...

Like the song says.. life does indeed have a funny way of sneaking up on you.

In my tender youth I remember thinking and feeling, like most kids do I'm sure, that when I "grow up" I'm going to ............. (feel free to fill in the blank with just about anything). Funny thing is I was somehow waiting for this marked event to happen. One day I would be a kid.. and then the next day I would wake up feeling all grown up and mature, just like that, all the wonder of grown-up-dom suddenly made available in my psyche. As you all no doubt know (because of course there are no minors here to read this) it doesn't quite work that way.

I still FEEL like the same person I was when I was 17. The person I am inside was apparently being molded and shaped and formed from all of these experiences I had in my youth. I learned a lot in those precious years, starting with the very simple (yet exceptionally important) how to get around on my own and not go potty in my pants; to the more complex how to love someone unconditionally and deserve that same love back in return. Seemingly, millions of other useful nuggets are stored away up there in the cobwebs of my brain, occasionally accessed to assist in current predicaments, others still buried so deep I may never even recall them again, no matter how hard I try.

So when did I grow up? There's no doubt the kids at the creemee stand take a look at me and see a "grown up". I have kids of my own. I have responsibilities. I have family I've had to bury, friends I've said goodbye to for the last time, pain so deep it may never heal, love so amazing it keeps me alive, and endless hope for a future so astounding one couldn't possibly hope to describe it using mere words. All the lessons I learned along the way have also become a part of me, ingrained in my reactions, my fears, my hopes and dreams. I try so hard to bestow those lessons on my children so they won't have to make the same mistakes and feel the same hurt, yet I know they, like myself as a child, will ignore every word and demand they figure it out on their own. Poseidon and I both knew our stubborn streaks would be passed on to our kids. Whatcha gonna do?

Although I still feel like that same 17 year old girl, I'm not so blind to see that I am not that same 17 year old girl. One thing I find interesting is that I don't seem to be afraid of too much anymore. I guess you could say that all of the things I feared as a child I have seen, lived, endured... and I have survived them all. That may be a big motivating factor behind fear.. will I survive this whatever?

My son is afraid of the dark. He actually told me that the reason why he is afraid of the dark is that he thinks he disappears when the lights go out and the idea of that frightens him. Well yeah.. I could kinda see how it might. I love the dark, but I'm sure there was a time when I was that young when I too was afraid to sleep with the lights off. I was afraid of losing loved ones. It happened, I lived through it and moved on. We feel the pain, learn our lessons and try to apply them the best we can to make our tomorrows better. So maybe it's just the pain I'm afraid of. Could be. I hate pain. I really hate to hurt.

Ok.. so where was I going with this? Oh yeah..

Depending on how you look at it, life can be a series of adventures. Life can be just about whatever you make it. I find myself in an interesting position currently.. contemplating what my life is, and what do I want it to be, and how best shall I get there? It's mostly laid out because of the children. My life is no longer my own. I have these amazing little people I have to give myself to. Wanting to leave a little legacy of ourselves and audacious enough to think OUR kids might make a positive contribution to society, we chose to have children and see if we could pull that off. We're getting there.. but we're nowhere near close to being done with this chapter of our lives. That responsibility defines a kind of large umbrella under which we can place all of our other activities that we engage in. The children take priority, then under that layer there are others: my health and sanity, work, friends, family, basically all the other stuff that makes up our lives. Oh yeah.. and sex. We may be done making babies but we're not done having sex. So not done.

And so that brings me to the point of my post. At what level on the priority scale do I place sex? If we had chosen instead NOT to have children then that umbrella would have a different label. Maybe something still very important that, in this reality filled with children, must lie under the CHILDREN umbrella. If I had to choose one of those many things I would guess it would be SECURITY. Security is very important. Without security it's difficult to actually have any fun. It's almost impossible to take the time to explore and experiment. The mind is far too preoccupied by the mundane (roof, food, warmth) to venture out into more exciting territory. Yes, no question about it.. SECURITY it is. So security is a must, followed only then by sex.

We are animals. Oh I know, don't get yourself in a tizzy. We are NOT animals. We are refined, evolved, superior in every way walking, talking, civilized human beings. But, we're animals. At our cores we were meant to breed. Society's views and the need for security makes having endless babies a considerably irresponsible thing to do. But that doesn't mean we can't pretend we're making babies. Thankfully, our thoroughly evolved brains have devised numerous methods by which we can continue to fuck like rabbits without having to actually make more babies in the process. Perhaps that is why we grew up as a species.. so that we could control how many babies we make. The planet is already beyond the point of being able to comfortably maintain the amount of humans roaming upon it. If there were that many more? Oh what a disaster! Earth would surely be knocked out of its orbit, hurtle uncontrollably into the sun, and humanity would be lost forever.

I don't really think that's going to happen. Despite all the world wide bickering that goes on I think somehow we'll figure it out. Humans have an uncanny way of making the most important task the current priority. When it becomes clear that we must act I have no doubt that we will. We should be doing more now, but we're not. Upper echelon humans have a difficult task. They who wield the most power must determine on a constant basis what exactly is our greatest priority as a species. I may be living in a dream world but I like to think that there are actually positions somewhere up in those ranks that believe that doing the right thing, for the planet and the inhabitants thereof, is important. Admittedly, the powers that be have a difficult job. Not unlike us, they have the messy task of determining what is the highest priority at any given moment and focusing resources on coming up with a solution. Stop global warming, feed the people, heal the people, explore space, legislate Wall Street, keep us all safe from harm, stop terrorism, regulate the use of certain words in public, provide an education, etc etc etc. It never ends. It's a wonder the world works at all if you stop and think about it.. the task is daunting.

But priorities are seldom a static concept. In my tiny insignificant part of the universe I juggle my priorities constantly. It's a fluid process, kind of like watching a lava lamp. One issue rises to the top, gets the attention it requires, then falls away. Having been conquered, the vacancy left by that retreating priority allows for another to rise to the top of the lamp, get its attention and so on. It's a fluid, ever changing process. One moment work is priority number one because I'm facing a deadline.. the next a stinky diaper is priority number one. Food preparation, laundry, mow the lawn, pay the bills, call about the insurance, etc etc etc. It never ends! Again.. a daunting task.

The only way to handle it is to deal with it a little bit at a time. Chip one item off the massive pile of things needing attention and deal with it. Done with that? Move on to the next one. It takes a little practice and eventually they all just happen with no need to even think about it. But drop an inexperienced human into my life and expect it to cope? Ha. Fear would paralyze that poor unsuspecting soul within mere minutes. Hm. Fear? Fear of failure? Perhaps. Perhaps the fear of failure and all of the nasties that come along with it are what drive us at our core. Humans don't want to think about failing at reversing global warming because the idea that California should become the new Arizona Bay is just too scary. I don't want to think about failing at life because the idea that I could be living under a bridge, the state having taken my kids because I was unable to provide a safe home for them, is just too scary.

Hm. Fear is what drives it all? So, not unlike my 3 year old who is too afraid to sit in the dark because he thinks he'll disappear, we're too afraid to fail and so we do everything within our powers to make sure that doesn't happen. So, it would seem, it's all about our fears. Interesting. Maybe sometimes, when it gets so overwhelming that I'm questioning my own ability to cope, maybe then I could crawl into a closet, turn out the light, and just disappear. I know that I would not be consumed by fear that I had actually disappeared.. more likely fear about not getting things done, zero productivity, fear about what kind of trouble my kids are getting into, fear of having hurt a friend because I might have done or said something thoughtless. But then, you know, just to make SURE, I touch myself. Ah, good, still here. I can feel the warmth of my hand, the smoothness of my leg, the slight tingle of my fingertips brushing my thigh so lightly. Oh shit. I just shifted my priorities again. Now I need to cum. Everything else falls away.. the mind wanders.. my fingers taste sweet.. my clit swells and throbs.. I clench hard as I cum.. every muscle tensing as I ride every delicious wave as my orgasm subsides. I pause, and breathe. I rather like the soothing darkness of my closet.

But this orgasm has just made me hungry for more. I'm wet now.. so wet. I'll have sex on my mind all day as I wander through my mindless chores. I'm pretty sure Poseidon just had his priorities rearranged for when he gets home from work. But I have it on good authority that he rather enjoys those sorts of diversions. It's a shame I don't have a willing cock closer. It seems an eternity before he'll be home. But now it's time to go lay in the sun and work on my tan. I'll be dreaming of rock hard cock(s) thrusting in and out of me. Is your cock one of them? Mmmmm.... don't be afraid.. you have nothing to fear.. I'll be gentle with you.