On sex.. continued

Ha! See this is one of the reasons why I love Penelope. She always has the most amazing viewpoints that offer perspective that I would never have considered. But she is completely right. For a lot of women sex is about all of those things. It's funny that for men sex is just about getting off. Maybe there was some dysfunction in my childhood, I would be the last person to argue that point, but I never saw sex as something that was related to that. If there was ever a thought in my head that had anything to do with my parents regarding sex it was only that I wasn't going to let their expectations, their value system or their wishes influence what I wanted. I'd had it proven to me enough times that their virtues were less than virtuous. And that's about all I have to say about that.

I do find it fascinating that, in this society, it's perfectly acceptable for men to enjoy sex just for the sake of it yet for a woman to do so is considered sketchy. I never really quite understood those women who would go on and on about how demeaning it is for those poor depraved porn starlets to have to do that for money. I saw what they were doing as amazing.. they got to fuck all these amazing cocks and get paid for it too? Wow. Diseases aside, it seems like a pretty sweet deal. But I digress...

I love to fuck. I love to see other people having a great time fucking. All those other things aren't even remotely a consideration for me. In my youth I sought out older guys for a few different reasons, not the least of which was that they were typically experienced enough in the process in general that they would actually pursue sex. Most 14 year old boys don't have the confidence required to actively engage a girl for the purpose of sex.. hell they're just happy you're talking to them! In addition to the confidence factor there were practical reasons as well for seeking out older guys. They often had cars, a place to go, a friend with a place to go. Geez.. I just imagined the picture of me in my youth desperately seeking out some good place to go and get some good fucking on that you might be conjuring.. how sordid it must seem! I guess I won't go into detail about the random guy I fucked in the back seat of an unlocked car on some nameless street behind his high school on that dark and rainy night.. or the condom we left on the floor in the back seat.. oh wait. Oops. ;)

Yes people, I was a slut. Maybe I still am. I think that the way I went about finding guys protected me to a large degree from the social fallout that would very likely have come my way had I been tempted to feed the fires of desire with guys I actually went to school with. In the simplest definition the older ones were safer. They also happened to be more attractive to me. They tended to be taller and more rugged looking. So really, the fact that I gravitated more towards older guys wasn't necessarily dictated by one particular thing. It was a combination of factors that included attraction and concern for my social standing. And the fact that they actually knew how to please me was bonus.

I love P's free association list. I just have to do this..

Sex becomes about giving the guy what he wants.
The insinuation here is that it's only being given because he wants it. But when I want it too then that doesn't work.

Sex becomes a choice between being good or being bad.
Ha. Who cares? If it feels good do it. If it's "bad" then it's only because society is all fucked up. How can something that feels so good, and is a biological requirement for the continuation of the species, ever be considered "bad"? Totally not valid to me.

Sex is about hoping the guy likes you, being so insecure that you 'give it up' at the expense of the higher morals and values that you're 'supposed' to have in the situation.
This only works if the guy you're trying to catch wants a woman with "higher" morals and values. I, for one, do not believe that denying yourself sex so you can play power trips is necessarily a moral thing indicative of higher values. To me that's just lying.. and playing games that have no place in a loving, open relationship. If that is the basis for the relationship then count me out. And any guy who would believe in that is not worth much to begin with.

Sex is about deciding what and how much to give to maintain the balance between being good or being a slut, giving a guy enough so that he is happy and still respects you versus giving him too much so that he thinks you're a slut and talks about you to his friends.
If said guy can't appreciate and value what he has available in me and make efforts to avoid hurting my feelings then he's not worth much either.

Sex is about thinking you're not good enough, so you just give it up to whoever wants you so you feel affection and as if you're liked.
Interestingly, I think this is a bit backwards. I think that there's a piece missing from this statement that would have to include something about said guy just fucking you and then moving on. But, if it's understood that the tryst is just that then it might actually serve the opposite purpose, if any purpose was intended to begin with. If a guy likes you well enough to want that sort of interaction then you've already moved past the initial barrier of not feeling worthy or attractive. If the whole idea is to simply obtain validation then the pursuit is validating enough. The fact that the desire is there in the first place is cause enough for validation. Why ruin it with sex, risking that the pursuit will end, if you don't want that yourself?

Sex is only really right if it is about love. If it is not about love, then you should feel guilty about it.
LOL. Sorry.. but in my mind love and sex are two very separate things. I can feel the deepest love in the world without ever touching a person's privates. And guilt, well that's just another connection society has made between a powerful emotion that should never be tied to sex, unless you're doing something illegal that's hurting someone. Sex is amazing, sex is freeing, and it feels so good. How can guilt be associated with that?

Sex is about giving in, and then feeling guilty afterwards.
Not standing your ground, no matter what the subject, is cause for remorse. This can only apply in sex if you don't want it yourself. And if you don't.. why not?? Are the lessons that society teaches so overwhelmingly powerful that we are helpless to question them?

Women are not supposed to "want" sex, like "that." If she does, she does so at the expense of being looked down upon by most people. (At least in young adulthood. If she's married and has a voracious sexual appetite, then the husband's just lucky.)
I'm seeing a theme emerge here. These ideas are all based on a puritanical viewpoint. I was raised in the church, these ideas are not foreign to me. I touched earlier on the fact that my parents, the people who were charged with instilling these so-called virtuous values and ideals that I was expected to carry forward into my adult life and later pass on to my children, were less than virtuous themselves. If anything that taught me it was that just because they had an association with the church and righteousness did not make them righteous people. I learned at a very young age by example to question authority. I never stopped doing it. It may very well be that my need to question what society states as being acceptable is the basis for my sexual freedom. Hm.

And most of all, for a woman, sex is mostly about being desired, not about actively desiring.
Interesting. I think, no, I know that even women perceived as unattractive by many will still be attractive to some. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all, and working your whole life to fit into some ideal of what is "attractive" is a waste of time. Because after you've spent your whole life devoted to making yourself attractive to others, acceptable to others, the only one that really matters is you. You have to be able to accept and love yourself for the person you are before you can ever hope to really truly earn the attraction of another person. I'm not saying that many women don't do just that.. but after face lifts, boob jobs, liposuction, tooth whitening, whatever, they are still the same people within. Beauty begins from the inside. But then I color my hair so who am I to preach? =)

Yes, P, you're totally correct. These days a lot of the guys I played with would be thrown in the slammer for life, called pedophiles, lives destroyed, blah blah blah. I wasn't thinking about that then.. although there was one guy I remember who, despite repeated efforts on my part, resisted. He would only go so far and then the brakes came on. Although I was disappointed I understood his reasoning and simply accepted that. The fact that he was headed towards becoming a police officer may very well have had something to do with it. But was what we were doing really so bad? I never thought of it as being so. I was appreciative that I had these opportunities to play and explore at a time when my hormones were raging out of control. If I had been stuck with 14 and 15 year old man wannabes I would likely have become a nun.

I didn't fully understand and appreciate my attraction for other females until later. I must have been 16 before my first girl-girl sexual experience. Maybe that has something to do with it. Being bi-sexual I must have a slightly different brain chemistry or whatever than a strictly heterosexual female. Maybe, just maybe, a little bit of those man brain cells grew inside my head and gave me a different perspective. One that allows me to enjoy sex for no other reason than it feels so fucking good.

As far as fucking if there's something brewing between Poseidon and I all I can say is this. I feel like, except for one brief moment in our time together, we have always been joined. The connection that we share is so incredibly deep and strongly rooted that any little thing that comes up that generates strife between us is recognized as just that.. a little thing. In the grand scheme of things we know deep down inside that, although we may disagree on a topic or whatever, it isn't going to be something capable of dividing us. That knowledge and strength that binds us together makes it easier to just put the stupid little shit on hold. It's just not significant enough to disrupt our deeper connection. And dammit.. if the opportunity comes up.. we're jumping all over it! Let the fucking commence!

Catching Up...

Lots going on around here.. and posting about it all before now seemed.. well.. possibly detrimental. We had, up until recently, still been working through some remaining issues that were hindering understanding in a few areas. Thankfully, we seem to have worked through what remaining bits of reservations we may have had lingering and are in a much better place with our relationship. I will try to add a little bit to what Penelope wrote.

One thing I should say that I think might be useful to some is that Poseidon and I were very private people before this transition in our lives. We focused pretty exclusively on ourselves and our kids and didn't really have close friends with whom we could share more intimate elements of ourselves. It had been a few years since any poly adventures and meeting O & P, with whom we had so much in common, plus the potential benefits of hot and sweaty fun, was amazing.

It was so easy to fall in love.. this relationship was so much more than the purely physical adventures we'd experienced before. We connected on so many levels.. it just felt right. But in the excitement we didn't recognize a few key differences that have caused some confusion. One of those was that Poseidon and I have the poly philosophy ingrained in us to our cores. Although we recognized that might not the case for O & P, and that they were new to these adventures, I don't think either of us really considered the possibility that it could be just an experimental phase.. that it might be possible to shut that part of our relationship off and go on as if nothing had ever happened in our collective sweaty nakedness. And when that turn came we were indeed confused and left wondering what had happened. Our communication at that point had not yet matured completely to where we could discuss it openly.. and on some levels I'm pretty sure we all just needed some time to breathe and figure out what it was that was going on. Of course the pregnancy was a big part of that and we tried to always respect their needs for time and space to process what was going on. But there were definitely times when we wondered if the pull back may have been caused by us.. or something we had done.. or said.. or whatever. Insecurities have a way of rearing their ugly heads in situations like that.

Another difference we discovered is that (and perhaps this is a universal human trait.. would have to do more research on this) we tend to look at the actions of others and assign our own motivations to them had we performed the same actions. It took some time to figure out that each of us has different perceptions of events based on what our lives have taught us.. and no matter how similar we may be in some areas.. we are different in others. Recognizing that difference in perspective.. the difference in our lenses.. has cleared the way for much better understanding. It's hard enough sometimes for a husband and wife to learn those differences in each other.. but then throw in a second husband and wife.. so now you have four people learning those differences in each other.. and you're bound to run into misinterpretations. It's taken a lot of patience and a strong core friendship to get us through those.

We are learning a lot about what drives us, how we respond to various situations, what the bases for our reactions are. We are all very analytical and love to explore these points so it's been ultimately beneficial to go through this (I think). We're exceptionally lucky in that we are all supportive of each other and can open up completely without feeling like we'll be judged or shunned. I think that strong base friendship has been the key to this whole thing.. it has been the glue that binds us together.

So little do I know...

In the many years I've walked this earth I've spent a bit of time having sex.. giving sex.. watching sex.. even just thinking about sex.. and I thought I'd learned just about enough to keep myself and my partners happy. From my sexual infancy exploring different types and lengths of orgasms was a blissful challenge I was all too thrilled to call my primary form of recreation. With the tender encouragement of Poseidon I learned to be multi-orgasmic. I'm currently enjoying the challenge of learning to deep throat a rock hard cock.

I understand my knowledge is only so vast.. but I never considered it to be still in its infancy until I read this article on Catalina's blog. I've never actually been exposed to someone who was really into the BDSM side of sex and was never particularly interested in exploring it myself. And while I may have fantasies that involve me being tied up and ravaged by hordes of men and women who would love to have their way with me.. that doesn't mean I'd ever really like to make such scenarios reality. I think, at least for now, that those images need to stay in my fantasies. But reading that article must have sparked some latent curiosity within me, some hidden spark that was just waiting for the proper nudge to make me open up to the whole concept and all it has to offer the sexually adventurous.

As I read the article I found I kept asking myself the basic question of why? Forget about the whole Dom/Sub issues.. that I can wrap my head around.. what I didn't get was the actual mechanism involved that would make deprivation of oxygen, regardless of means, improve sex and the pleasure derived therefrom. Enter Google. I love Google. I searched and I learned. Among other things pertaining to this technique called breath control play I found a video of a Sub getting stroked to ejaculation while standing on a stack of phone books, a noose tied around his neck. As he begins to cum his Dom kicks the support out from under him and allows him to dangle as his orgasm continues, then quickly goes off screen to release the rope from its hook while his orgasm subsides. I watched, partially in horror, as this scene, lasting mere seconds and not even remotely erotic to me, played out. Unfortunately, this scene did nothing to explain to me why this action was even associated with sex.. but now as I learn more I may at least be able to understand part of it.

Even though I may not be able to appreciate the requirement for the elaborate means to which this pair arrived at their end I am beginning to understand the goal they targeted. While I may never share their appreciation for ropes, or be tempted by a gas mask, I definitely can tell you that the simple act of reducing my oxygen supply by controlling my breathing towards that end did wonders for the intensity of my orgasms last night. I guess I still have a lot to learn.