Goodbye O&P.. it was fun!

I just noticed Odysseus and Penelope have completely removed their blog. They've been coming to some hard conclusions lately about what their adventures meant to them and how they struggled with the influences of their traditional upbringing. I haven't really had a chance to talk with them about any of this for a long while now, and the thought of doing so after dinner while playing with the baby just doesn't feel right. I suppose we just want to respect their choices and give them the distance from all of this that they seem to need right now. We love them and wish nothing but the best for them in this new chapter of their lives. <3

Why Primary Means Just That

We recently had a chance to chat with Justin & Betty. They are a lot of fun and I look forward to doing it again soon. One of the first things I was asked was how are things with "Mr. West Coast". It took me a second to realize to whom they were referring.. and as things have changed significantly.. he wasn't on the top of my thought pile.

I really don't want to get into all the details here.. for obvious reasons. Instead, I'm going to take the opportunity to just ramble about relationships instead. I'll try to make it good.. don't go just yet. =)

Traditionally, monogamous marriages provide a decent amount of security for the participants. You play the field.. figure out what you want.. and those of us lucky enough to find it get married. The uncertainty of the future fades away, replaced by idealized visions of what the happy family, complete with 2.3 kids, a dog and a house with a white picket fence might be like should we ever be able to attain it.

Time goes by, the individuals are typically exposed to varying experiences and personal growth curves, and inevitably, quite a large percentage of those unions end in divorce. The people they were when they thought things were so great are no longer as they have slowly morphed into different people. Those different people can't always see eye to eye and the fighting breaks out. Only 63% of American children grow up with both biological parents in the household. Since divorce is particularly devastating to the children, any method that could be conjured to prevent that separation, one might think, would be a good thing.

If the married couple with children can find a way to coexist for the benefit of the children (and perhaps for the benefit of themselves- all redeeming qualities of a spouse haven't likely ceased to exist entirely) then the family structure can be maintained on some level. The children might actually get to interact with each parent every day and will likely continue to feel the same security they would if the parents were truly still in love. I certainly remember classmates whose parents slept in different bedrooms. I recall various explanations; one of them snored loudly, one liked to read in bed and the light kept the other awake, among others. I wonder now if those marriages were some of those being held together for the benefit of the children.

But can we be happy in such an arrangement? Is it technically a "separation" if you're still residing in the same house? If terms and conditions can be worked out to allow an amicable coexistence, one NOT fraught with constant fighting, then in theory the children would be better off in the long run. It would take very mature individuals to be able to pull that off. Set aside the differences.. forget about the things that annoy the hell out of us.. just be friends to one another and be there for the family. Despite the possibility that the parents might not still be in love with each other, there is bound to be lingering love for each other. Love.. caring and concern for the others' well being.. one would think would still be there for the parent of our child(ren), if even not at the same level than was there historically.

If we can open up our minds and hearts sufficiently to allow this type of arrangement for the benefit of the children, then certainly we can be open to the idea of communal living with others we love. I picture large Italian villas filled with three generations of family members. Sure the fighting happens.. but the underlying caring is always there. In the end, it would take the parents, those who are separated but holding the family together for the sake of the children, to make decisions about what each of them wants or needs to feel complete again.

For some people there is nothing outside of themselves necessary to complete them. Yet many of us seek out companionship, friendship, and connections that deepen as the relationship evolves. It's a fundamental part of the human experience. We are not, by nature, solitude beings. How wonderful it would be to have complete faith and trust that the children are safe and well cared for by one of their parents, rather than a potentially sketchy baby sitter, when the time comes to spend time with persons other than the separated spouse. Balance and fairness certainly would come into play.. each party needs to feel they're getting their fair share of time to explore other options. But that's easy.. a simple agreement sets up the frequency and duration of such time.

So here we have a set up in which the children feel secure, there's no fighting about who gets the children on various birthdays and holidays, and the separated spouses can still draw upon each others' strengths. We've eliminated entirely the wasted funds required to maintain two separate households, not to mention the gasoline wasted driving back and forth from Mom's house to Dad's, and back again. It seems a very "green" solution. Inevitably, one or both of the parents are going to find new love. That new person is going to have some unconventionality to work through if they want to be a part of that parent's life.

In a way this is all a kind of prelude to what I had running through my mind when I found new love. It's not that Poseidon and I have grown so far apart that divorce would be the only option, but we do have our differences. It was my understanding that our relationship allowed for love outside of our primary relationship, but it would seem that is based entirely on balance and inclusion, rather than only ONE of us finding that deeper connection outside of the marriage. Poseidon felt excluded, shunned, and replaced by my relationship with "Mr. West Coast". Whereas I believed that he would be happy for me that I had found a connection with an amazing person, he was resentful and hurt that I would even consider such a thing.

We've discussed the implications at such great length that it became tiresome. Yet, through this process, I have a much better understanding of him and what drives him. I'm certain I have a better understanding of myself and what drives me. To be the recipient of another person's affections is wondrous, to be sure. To be made to feel like you're important to someone else is exhilarating. And when you hold each other, or kiss, and the connection feels unbreakable, like some bond that was meant to be, it's easy to let the partner by marriage slip a notch or two.

For most married people in a monogamous relationship, that occurrence in itself is the beginning of the end. Choices have to be made, arguments are generated in a bizarre psychological dance that is designed to distance ourselves from the old partner. Perhaps it's just nature saying "move on.. time for new genetic diversity in the species". Perhaps it's just inevitable as we grow, sometimes apart, that new and different connections are what keep us going.

Throughout all of this I never really questioned that Poseidon still loved me, and I knew that I still loved him. That primary bond, one that has existed essentially for my entire adult life, feels unbreakable. The secondary connections never quite seem to hold up to the same degree. Affections fade, attention and concern wanes, other priorities in that person's life squeeze you out. It's easy to feel confused, hurt and misguided. Why was it necessary for what was once okay to evaporate? Or maybe it never was okay and we were just deluding ourselves.. wishing to be something we were not. Maybe we're too concerned about hurting other more important people in our lives to risk it. Maybe it wasn't meant to be in the first place. Infatuation fades, pain sets in, the aching begins and we are left alone to find a way to heal.

Yet, thankfully, in this amazing marriage with Poseidon, I have never felt left alone. Through the pain we have each felt we have found new strength in ourselves along with new understanding. Was the pain worth it? Maybe. Probably. I don't think I'm jaded sufficiently that I would deny such a relationship should one wander my way in the future. I would, however, be a little more cautious next time.　

New Found Love

What a crazy month it's been! Having arrived back home after several weeks away I found myself inundated with chores of various natures to busy me and divert my thoughts from my new found love. Yes, that's right, an amazing man has captured my heart and has me excited about future possibilities. Physically, he's still very far away but I hope to fix that soon. This evolution has brought about much discussion between Poseidon and myself, most of which seems to center around his concerns based on him not actually knowing this person to whom I have given my heart.. at least part of it.. and how including this person in our lives might alter our relationship. My dearest Poseidon is watching out for me and doesn't want to see me get hurt. I appreciate immensely his caring and concern and know that it comes from his heart. This could prove to be some tricky stuff, depending on how we deal with it.

Circumstances led to me spending a great deal of time with this as yet nameless individual. (Perhaps someone more familiar with Greek mythology could offer a suggestion?) It was not my intention to open my heart to him but it was really quite unavoidable. Working together on a project and spending 4 days mostly together, exchanging stories and getting to know one another on a deeper level, I realized the morning of the 5th day that I did indeed love him. As our relationship (as it was) was totally open and honest I felt it was natural to share this with him. He reciprocated with his own honesty and feelings.. and at that moment I realized I could be in trouble. More specifically, Poseidon and I could be in trouble. As I was only just beginning to realize what was happening I didn't know how to share this information with Poseidon. I was less than open with him about it because I was myself still figuring out what it really was. Was it real? Was it lasting? Was it significant enough that I would choose to disrupt our family, our marriage, for the raging oxytocin levels in my brain? I came home and thought long and hard about it. I eventually realized something that should have been clear to me from the beginning, but despite the openness in our sexual lives I hadn't applied that openness to love, especially when it came to an unbalanced situation that did not include Poseidon. With Penelope and Odysseus, the love that grew for them grew in both of us, for both of them. This situation was different. It was one-sided, unbalanced, and doesn't really leave any sort of opportunity for Poseidon to be enriched emotionally, other than the fact that I am now a happier person. That positive energy echos back into our relationship, which I will always consider primary. In talking about all of this Poseidon and I have grown even closer. The depth of our love and caring for one another has never been more evident and taking just that fact into account helps me to understand that opening ourselves up to outside loves could never be a bad thing if it's not kept hidden or made into something "bad" based on deception.

I know that when Poseidon and my new love finally get together that they will form a strong bond.. a friendship that will last a lifetime. They are very similar in so many ways, and yet different in so many as well. They share many of the same interests (not just me =) and hobbies.

Of course we have discussed the possibility of including my new love in my/our sex life. I always love a good DP and seldom have the opportunity to fulfill that desire and here is the perfect opportunity for me to have that on a more regular basis! Yay! But certainly that activity wouldn't be the only method in which we might bond. There are sure to be times when I want just him, or just Poseidon. How do we work that out? Do I draw up a calendar and schedule sex with them on certain days so that they both feel like they're getting their fair share of me? In a way that makes me feel like a piece of meat. Not that I don't love sex, and always have, but to be somehow obligated to perform brings with it a bad taste to my tongue. What will sleeping arrangements be like? Will there be room for the three of us in one bed? I love the idea, however Poseidon is at this moment less than warm to that possibility. It seems silly to me to require him to live elsewhere.. communal living arrangements in general makes so much more sense financially. So many questions.. and no chance yet to put any of it into practice to see how things might work out.

For now this all lives in a kind of fantasy realm in my head. I know that it is inevitable that we will have to figure out the details but for now we have other tasks to attend to. We have plenty of time to ponder such possibilities in the next few months. Interestingly enough, as my new love and I have not had sex, I find myself wondering what that might even be like. Although our emotional connection is deep and real, we may not click in bed. How would that be? It's strange to think about and yet exciting at the same time. For now I'm left to my fantasies.. hot sweaty passion with two men who love me immensely, then passing out together with one of them on either side of me.. pure heaven.

On sex.. continued

Ha! See this is one of the reasons why I love Penelope. She always has the most amazing viewpoints that offer perspective that I would never have considered. But she is completely right. For a lot of women sex is about all of those things. It's funny that for men sex is just about getting off. Maybe there was some dysfunction in my childhood, I would be the last person to argue that point, but I never saw sex as something that was related to that. If there was ever a thought in my head that had anything to do with my parents regarding sex it was only that I wasn't going to let their expectations, their value system or their wishes influence what I wanted. I'd had it proven to me enough times that their virtues were less than virtuous. And that's about all I have to say about that.

I do find it fascinating that, in this society, it's perfectly acceptable for men to enjoy sex just for the sake of it yet for a woman to do so is considered sketchy. I never really quite understood those women who would go on and on about how demeaning it is for those poor depraved porn starlets to have to do that for money. I saw what they were doing as amazing.. they got to fuck all these amazing cocks and get paid for it too? Wow. Diseases aside, it seems like a pretty sweet deal. But I digress...

I love to fuck. I love to see other people having a great time fucking. All those other things aren't even remotely a consideration for me. In my youth I sought out older guys for a few different reasons, not the least of which was that they were typically experienced enough in the process in general that they would actually pursue sex. Most 14 year old boys don't have the confidence required to actively engage a girl for the purpose of sex.. hell they're just happy you're talking to them! In addition to the confidence factor there were practical reasons as well for seeking out older guys. They often had cars, a place to go, a friend with a place to go. Geez.. I just imagined the picture of me in my youth desperately seeking out some good place to go and get some good fucking on that you might be conjuring.. how sordid it must seem! I guess I won't go into detail about the random guy I fucked in the back seat of an unlocked car on some nameless street behind his high school on that dark and rainy night.. or the condom we left on the floor in the back seat.. oh wait. Oops. ;)

Yes people, I was a slut. Maybe I still am. I think that the way I went about finding guys protected me to a large degree from the social fallout that would very likely have come my way had I been tempted to feed the fires of desire with guys I actually went to school with. In the simplest definition the older ones were safer. They also happened to be more attractive to me. They tended to be taller and more rugged looking. So really, the fact that I gravitated more towards older guys wasn't necessarily dictated by one particular thing. It was a combination of factors that included attraction and concern for my social standing. And the fact that they actually knew how to please me was bonus.

I love P's free association list. I just have to do this..

Sex becomes about giving the guy what he wants.
The insinuation here is that it's only being given because he wants it. But when I want it too then that doesn't work.

Sex becomes a choice between being good or being bad.
Ha. Who cares? If it feels good do it. If it's "bad" then it's only because society is all fucked up. How can something that feels so good, and is a biological requirement for the continuation of the species, ever be considered "bad"? Totally not valid to me.

Sex is about hoping the guy likes you, being so insecure that you 'give it up' at the expense of the higher morals and values that you're 'supposed' to have in the situation.
This only works if the guy you're trying to catch wants a woman with "higher" morals and values. I, for one, do not believe that denying yourself sex so you can play power trips is necessarily a moral thing indicative of higher values. To me that's just lying.. and playing games that have no place in a loving, open relationship. If that is the basis for the relationship then count me out. And any guy who would believe in that is not worth much to begin with.

Sex is about deciding what and how much to give to maintain the balance between being good or being a slut, giving a guy enough so that he is happy and still respects you versus giving him too much so that he thinks you're a slut and talks about you to his friends.
If said guy can't appreciate and value what he has available in me and make efforts to avoid hurting my feelings then he's not worth much either.

Sex is about thinking you're not good enough, so you just give it up to whoever wants you so you feel affection and as if you're liked.
Interestingly, I think this is a bit backwards. I think that there's a piece missing from this statement that would have to include something about said guy just fucking you and then moving on. But, if it's understood that the tryst is just that then it might actually serve the opposite purpose, if any purpose was intended to begin with. If a guy likes you well enough to want that sort of interaction then you've already moved past the initial barrier of not feeling worthy or attractive. If the whole idea is to simply obtain validation then the pursuit is validating enough. The fact that the desire is there in the first place is cause enough for validation. Why ruin it with sex, risking that the pursuit will end, if you don't want that yourself?

Sex is only really right if it is about love. If it is not about love, then you should feel guilty about it.
LOL. Sorry.. but in my mind love and sex are two very separate things. I can feel the deepest love in the world without ever touching a person's privates. And guilt, well that's just another connection society has made between a powerful emotion that should never be tied to sex, unless you're doing something illegal that's hurting someone. Sex is amazing, sex is freeing, and it feels so good. How can guilt be associated with that?

Sex is about giving in, and then feeling guilty afterwards.
Not standing your ground, no matter what the subject, is cause for remorse. This can only apply in sex if you don't want it yourself. And if you don't.. why not?? Are the lessons that society teaches so overwhelmingly powerful that we are helpless to question them?

Women are not supposed to "want" sex, like "that." If she does, she does so at the expense of being looked down upon by most people. (At least in young adulthood. If she's married and has a voracious sexual appetite, then the husband's just lucky.)
I'm seeing a theme emerge here. These ideas are all based on a puritanical viewpoint. I was raised in the church, these ideas are not foreign to me. I touched earlier on the fact that my parents, the people who were charged with instilling these so-called virtuous values and ideals that I was expected to carry forward into my adult life and later pass on to my children, were less than virtuous themselves. If anything that taught me it was that just because they had an association with the church and righteousness did not make them righteous people. I learned at a very young age by example to question authority. I never stopped doing it. It may very well be that my need to question what society states as being acceptable is the basis for my sexual freedom. Hm.

And most of all, for a woman, sex is mostly about being desired, not about actively desiring.
Interesting. I think, no, I know that even women perceived as unattractive by many will still be attractive to some. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all, and working your whole life to fit into some ideal of what is "attractive" is a waste of time. Because after you've spent your whole life devoted to making yourself attractive to others, acceptable to others, the only one that really matters is you. You have to be able to accept and love yourself for the person you are before you can ever hope to really truly earn the attraction of another person. I'm not saying that many women don't do just that.. but after face lifts, boob jobs, liposuction, tooth whitening, whatever, they are still the same people within. Beauty begins from the inside. But then I color my hair so who am I to preach? =)

Yes, P, you're totally correct. These days a lot of the guys I played with would be thrown in the slammer for life, called pedophiles, lives destroyed, blah blah blah. I wasn't thinking about that then.. although there was one guy I remember who, despite repeated efforts on my part, resisted. He would only go so far and then the brakes came on. Although I was disappointed I understood his reasoning and simply accepted that. The fact that he was headed towards becoming a police officer may very well have had something to do with it. But was what we were doing really so bad? I never thought of it as being so. I was appreciative that I had these opportunities to play and explore at a time when my hormones were raging out of control. If I had been stuck with 14 and 15 year old man wannabes I would likely have become a nun.

I didn't fully understand and appreciate my attraction for other females until later. I must have been 16 before my first girl-girl sexual experience. Maybe that has something to do with it. Being bi-sexual I must have a slightly different brain chemistry or whatever than a strictly heterosexual female. Maybe, just maybe, a little bit of those man brain cells grew inside my head and gave me a different perspective. One that allows me to enjoy sex for no other reason than it feels so fucking good.

As far as fucking if there's something brewing between Poseidon and I all I can say is this. I feel like, except for one brief moment in our time together, we have always been joined. The connection that we share is so incredibly deep and strongly rooted that any little thing that comes up that generates strife between us is recognized as just that.. a little thing. In the grand scheme of things we know deep down inside that, although we may disagree on a topic or whatever, it isn't going to be something capable of dividing us. That knowledge and strength that binds us together makes it easier to just put the stupid little shit on hold. It's just not significant enough to disrupt our deeper connection. And dammit.. if the opportunity comes up.. we're jumping all over it! Let the fucking commence!

On sex..

I've been lurking over on Justin & Betty's blog.. go check it out. They're at an interesting point in their journey and I've been thinking about what it all means to me. I think the best way to say it is thusly:

I love sex. I have since my hormones first started raging at the tender age of 13. Well.. no.. to be fair.. I was probably too freaked out by it all at 13 to really embrace it.. but by 14.. well that's another story. In those days we didn't know about AIDS and the big concern was pregnancy. It didn't take much to overcome that issue though so what was left was this amazing thing that was just awesome! Maybe I was just addicted to the oxytocin, but I loved sex and sought it out with guys who would not threaten my social position in 8th grade, as much of one as there was. They tended to be older, more experienced, more than happy to help educate a hot little blond slut of my tender years. I loved every minute of it. And, not to sound like I'm blowing my own horn here (he he) I loved that they had a pretty good time too.

I never saw sex for what a lot of the other girls I knew seemed to. They would use it as power, control, a few even entrapped men into marriage after they seemingly got pregnant intentionally. I lost a lot of respect for women in those days. Ha. They likely had no respect for me because I was the school slut, or so they may have guessed. I suppose the whole idea of just enjoying sex for sex's sake was a foreign concept to them. I didn't want or need any of that other baggage.. I just wanted to get off. And knowing that what I did was good at helping my partner get off was icing on the cake.

As I've grown and lived and life has evolved into more responsibility I still love sex. I still see it for what it is. It's just plain old sweaty fun. I watch my kids play in the sandbox, or swing on the swings, and I see them having their playtime the way they like it. Not that I don't love digging my toes down into the warm sand, and swinging is right up there on my list, but nothing.. NOTHING.. beats a 5 minute long orgasm. Now that's playtime the way I like it!

I feel sad for those women who can't embrace sex.. who have to use it for some other gain. I feel sad for their partners. They're both missing out on this amazing part of life that, I feel, should just be enjoyed just for the sake of enjoying it, for themselves and for their partner. I don't really understand it all, and I don't really need to. Thankfully, I'm not really in a position in life where I have to think about them all that often. Hm.. maybe that's why Poseidon and I can still fuck like bunnies if there's something brewing between us. We both see sex as a release.. I won't hold it from him because he didn't take out the garbage. I want it just as much as he does. We both derive benefit from the experience of sex. All that other nattering crap doesn't matter when he's pounding his cock deep in me, driving me to the brink of orgasm. Who gives a shit about the garbage at a time like that? Mmm.. just thinking about it is making me wet.

Ahem. The other component of this whole thing that I wanted to touch on is this. When I was young and having a great time exploring my sexuality I found I enjoyed very much the variety I was privy to. I never really seemed to latch on to one particular guy (or girl) choosing instead to remain free to pursue anybody I wanted. In a way, it may be that shared quality with many men that tended to make the male of the species a better friend to me. I never had an easy time making friends with women. Later introspection gave more explanations for that, but at the time I just felt more comfortable with guys. They didn't seem to play the same kinds of head games that the girls did. They seemed instead to be more interested in life for the experience, a perspective that I shared.

I was beginning to get concerned at sometime around 16 when I started to see other girls talking about long term relationships and commitment. Here these girls hadn't even yet gone off to college and actually seemed to be desirous of an exclusive relationship, with ONE guy, for the rest of their lives. I panicked. I wasn't sure what I wanted at that point, but I knew it wasn't that. I wanted to be able to have the variety I'd become accustomed to and enjoyed. But then I wanted kids, family, stability, security as well. I had begun to believe I would have to make a choice.

Then I met Poseidon who changed all of that. My naive little self hadn't considered that there was a third option. I learned it would be possible to have my cake and eat it too. We both loved sex for the sake of sex and we both enjoyed the other enjoying sex with others. We had a very interesting and unconventional relationship that broke the rules. Rules written by the society we are part of and, for the most part, are forced to conform to. Had we been raised in a society that said that every other Thursday you were allowed, nay expected, to go enjoy sex with someone other than your spouse, then none of us would have any hangups about doing it. We, as humans, only know what is taught to us when it comes to what's "normal". Despite what our society has taught us, I don't really see anything wrong with sex. It's interesting to think back on all the various reasons why sex became the closely guarded thing that it did but that's fodder for another post.

In the meantime, I think of the variety of sex with others than my life partner a bit like the variety I enjoy when I eat a meal. Sometimes I'm just in the mood for something different. It isn't so much that I wouldn't eat filet mignon at every dinner for the rest of my life, and enjoy it immensely, but sometimes I just feel like caviar, or pizza, or penne with truffle sauce, or a BBQ bacon cheeseburger, or whatever. Imagine a society in which it was expected that, once you hit some certain marker in your maturation, you are doomed to eat the same thing, day in and day out. I guess dogs do it.. and we could too.. but doing so would certainly not have the excitement and level of enjoyment that the variation provides for. And I enjoy that excitement. I enjoy the newness, the heart pounding exploration that goes with playing sexually with another person with whom I am not completely familiar. Interestingly enough, I love to cook. Sharing the meals I make with people who can appreciate them is gratifying to me. I enjoy them enjoying what I have created. Hm.. interesting.

I also happen to enjoy it when my husband gets to experience those same things. I know how amazing it is for me, and because we've talked about it, I know that it is just as amazing for Poseidon. I love that for him. I love for him to be able to experience the same excitement. It's a major concern.. if you're just doing it to make the other partner happy then you'll always feel resentment and these things will never work out. But, if you're doing it because you love it, and you love that your partner loves it too, and you derive enjoyment from their happiness, then I can't think of any reason why we wouldn't share ourselves by exploring and playing with others.

More complicated issues like balance come into the picture, of course, and the issues that keep us treating each other fairly are of the utmost concern. There's the whole issue of societal acceptance. I really am not all that concerned about what my neighbors think about me.. but still.. we do find ourselves quite concerned about appearances. Perhaps too much so. Having children amplifies that. We are not blind to the stigma, the unfair taunting they would have to endure if this sort of thing got out, and so we are careful. But in a mature, responsible group of people where there is no danger of divulgence or disease, I vote for wild sticky frolicking every other Thursday. At least.

Where's My Crystal Ball?

As a child, before I met Poseidon, I had this idealized vision of what "the one" for me would be. I seriously doubted that I would ever find the man or woman who was my vision of perfection, but I still had hope. Then I met Poseidon. And although not the ultimate definition of what I wanted in that "perfect love", we connected on basically everything. We were so alike in so many ways, the friendship we developed was enough for me to dismiss my prior dreams as childish and recognize that he was what I needed. I gave up the fantasy and loved him completely. We were great partners, companions, friends. My best friend, in fact. I never doubted our emotional connection, although there were times that I wished that he could be a little more feeling, a little more connected to me emotionally. I understood logically that it just wasn't that way and accepted it. We shared decades together on exactly the same page.

Then one day I found myself on an interesting journey with my life partner. We explored new concepts of sharing love.. not just sex. We met Penelope and Odysseus and got to know them. We spent countless hours in chat, writing emails, on the phone, and eventually in person. Everyone here knows what an amazing guy Odysseus is, and pretty early on I felt that "there he is" feeling. Here was a man who could feel me. And, it seemed, we connected deeply. We held back no emotions and all jumped into the experience without reservations. It was amazing. I had discovered that it was not too late to find "the one" and basked in the assurance that having that dream could still happen, albeit in an unusual union of 4 instead of 2.

Then real life happened. There were difficulties integrating "the secret" into every day life. Big and little things had to be figured out, discomforts dealt with, boundaries and limitations put in place. Emotions soared out of control on occasion, but it was all part of the process of integrating each other into our lives.. into reality. We all knew we could not continue living that fantasy and so things changed to be more agreeable, more comfortable, more sustainable, for us all. Emotions were reigned in and sex was out. Somewhere around that time Penelope and Odysseus got pregnant.. and any remaining show of affections seemingly vanished overnight.

I grieved for what I had found and then lost. Although the "no sex" rule had been put in place there had never been any spoken requirement to shut off emotions.. and yet it seemed that was exactly what had happened. It confused me.. was it ever real? Was it all just more ego stroking? Doubts soared, and those coupled with all that was going on with Hera, and virtually no discussion about it, left me lost. Meanwhile I wanted, no needed, that connection from Poseidon more than ever.. but it's just not in his nature. I felt guilty for wanting more than Poseidon could give me.. no matter how much I wanted him to. I felt resentment and anger towards Poseidon for not being that for me, for not wanting to be that for me, assuming he could be if he even did want to be. We suffered communication and emotional breakdown. I picked him apart, found (or agreed with) every fault and tried, subconsciously, to divide us. Perhaps my twisted logic said that if he wasn't there I wouldn't have to endure the guilt and confusion of all that was spinning around uncontrollably in my head. It didn't help that he responded with anger and confusion of his own, fueling the path to destruction.

But we're stronger than that at our core. We picked it apart, we talked about it, analyzing it till we were both so drained there was simply no energy left. With our base logic and the tremendous support we have for each other, plus a core belief that we should each do everything we can to help the other be happy, we figured out what was going on and were able to see it for what it was. It's taken a lot of effort to get here. Penelope and Odysseus have themselves been remarkably helpful and supportive through this process that they no doubt found exceptionally confusing.. and perhaps even scary at times. The exploration of self, of what drives us and our reactions, has been intense and exhausting, but I wouldn't change a thing. Penelope and I have become great friends and I love her tremendously. I'm torn apart by wanting more from her and Odysseus than they are comfortable giving, and the comfort and security I want her to feel knowing SHE is the only one who is important to Odysseus, the only one he would choose to love.

Having realized all of this has smoothed things with Poseidon again. We're best friends, and always will be. I'm hopeful that he can come to a place soon where he can forgive me completely for what I've put him through. With each of these challenges that we're faced with and are able to work through, our love for each other grows and is strengthened, and I've never felt more in love with Poseidon than I do right now.

As for the 4 of us.. I can dream of a time when we can all share our love openly and securely amongst ourselves without concern for the oppressive views of society.. just truly loving each other together in love's most perfect form. It may be possible if we can focus on the positive energy and support and let go of the fear. As the strength and beauty of what our group is can only be had with all of us present and participating, division from within would be certain destruction. Only the future knows what may come, and its not sharing any secrets.

Catching Up...

Lots going on around here.. and posting about it all before now seemed.. well.. possibly detrimental. We had, up until recently, still been working through some remaining issues that were hindering understanding in a few areas. Thankfully, we seem to have worked through what remaining bits of reservations we may have had lingering and are in a much better place with our relationship. I will try to add a little bit to what Penelope wrote.

One thing I should say that I think might be useful to some is that Poseidon and I were very private people before this transition in our lives. We focused pretty exclusively on ourselves and our kids and didn't really have close friends with whom we could share more intimate elements of ourselves. It had been a few years since any poly adventures and meeting O & P, with whom we had so much in common, plus the potential benefits of hot and sweaty fun, was amazing.

It was so easy to fall in love.. this relationship was so much more than the purely physical adventures we'd experienced before. We connected on so many levels.. it just felt right. But in the excitement we didn't recognize a few key differences that have caused some confusion. One of those was that Poseidon and I have the poly philosophy ingrained in us to our cores. Although we recognized that might not the case for O & P, and that they were new to these adventures, I don't think either of us really considered the possibility that it could be just an experimental phase.. that it might be possible to shut that part of our relationship off and go on as if nothing had ever happened in our collective sweaty nakedness. And when that turn came we were indeed confused and left wondering what had happened. Our communication at that point had not yet matured completely to where we could discuss it openly.. and on some levels I'm pretty sure we all just needed some time to breathe and figure out what it was that was going on. Of course the pregnancy was a big part of that and we tried to always respect their needs for time and space to process what was going on. But there were definitely times when we wondered if the pull back may have been caused by us.. or something we had done.. or said.. or whatever. Insecurities have a way of rearing their ugly heads in situations like that.

Another difference we discovered is that (and perhaps this is a universal human trait.. would have to do more research on this) we tend to look at the actions of others and assign our own motivations to them had we performed the same actions. It took some time to figure out that each of us has different perceptions of events based on what our lives have taught us.. and no matter how similar we may be in some areas.. we are different in others. Recognizing that difference in perspective.. the difference in our lenses.. has cleared the way for much better understanding. It's hard enough sometimes for a husband and wife to learn those differences in each other.. but then throw in a second husband and wife.. so now you have four people learning those differences in each other.. and you're bound to run into misinterpretations. It's taken a lot of patience and a strong core friendship to get us through those.

We are learning a lot about what drives us, how we respond to various situations, what the bases for our reactions are. We are all very analytical and love to explore these points so it's been ultimately beneficial to go through this (I think). We're exceptionally lucky in that we are all supportive of each other and can open up completely without feeling like we'll be judged or shunned. I think that strong base friendship has been the key to this whole thing.. it has been the glue that binds us together.

Away Mission

As luck would have it, I drew the short straw and am currently on a mission to dispose of property we left behind in Washington so many months ago. I find myself many, many miles from home, as well as my favorite cock in the universe. It's been weeks! And, although I've been very busy most of that time, all of a sudden I am so horny I do not know what to do with myself!

As I mindlessly pack boxes and clean things in preparation for the eventual sale my mind wanders to fantasies that have been hibernating for quite a long while. At one point today I actually found myself thinking such naughty thoughts. Surely in all of Puget Sound I could manage to find a couple of strapping young men with nice hard cocks to help me with my cock withdrawals. I got to thinking how easy it would be to go find those cocks and spend the whole night fucking, sucking and DPing like the insatiable slut that I am.

But that's not how we do things.. for many reasons. It was just a fantasy after all.. as fun as it might be to think about acting it out. And that got me thinking about fantasies in general. Will a day ever come when I've actually had all my fantasies fulfilled? I can't imagine how that would be. What then becomes fodder for future fantasies? It seems to me these fantasies have been around forever.. and to eliminate them from that category and simply call them past experiences?? It's more than I can grasp. Are there any readers who have come to that point? What happens next? Is there fuel for new fantasies just waiting around the corner?

In the meantime I've got my trusty vibrator to keep me company.. but my oh my would I really love to have one of these... mmmmmmm...

So.. here I am.. all lonely with no hot throbbing cocks to give me release and nothing but tired old fantasies to fuel the fires. Tell me, if you should find me out there roaming around in Puget Sound on that quest for cock, what would you do with me?

Moving past the past...

What an interesting 2 months it's been. I discovered under the recent unusual evolution of my life and the stress that came from it that I had some issues from long ago hiding in the cobwebs of my brain that I needed to work through. They were buried very deep but still affecting me, my behavior and responses, and worst of all, the way in which I process new relationships, especially with women.

Learning about these deeply buried hindrances allowed me to analyze what impact they were still having on me and address those limitations in myself. Having done that I feel tremendously better, not only about myself, but also about my feelings and how my actions affect those closest to me. Of course this is only touching lightly on the surface of the issue.. I'm not going to get too deep into it here.. but suffice it to say I feel as if great stone walls have been crumbled under this new awareness.

Enter my relationship with Penelope. We were having some trouble in figuring each other out. We've discussed my issues and I couldn't be happier to report that we are now climbing over those heaps of rubble from those crumbled walls and forming an amazing friendship. Life is good.

First Night (by Poseidon)

It had been an pretty hectic day for Athena and I. It seemed like there were a thousand little things that needed to be tended to and squared away before Odysseus and Penelope arrived and we all made our way to the cabin by the sea for two weeks. It wasn't hectic in a bad way, just in a "very busy" way. The character of the hecticness aside, the net effect of all those little things needing to be tended to was that we were perpetually running late. A few minutes isn't usually a big deal on most days, but this was a special day. We were to be meeting Odysseus and Penelope in person for the first time when we picked them up at the airport, and we really didn't want to be late for that! Somehow, even with what seemed to be a never ending series of holdups and setbacks, we managed to make it to the airport on time....just barely.

We arrived at the airport and checked the status board, their flight had just landed and everyone was still on the plane. Whew! We made it! And we would be able to greet them like we had planned, dressed in Hawaiian garb and handing out leis. Except for this one little problem.....we were informed by security that the spot we had determined to be where they would leave their gate...and where we had arranged to meet them....wasn't the location where they were going to leave their gate at all, and was even on the wrong level of the airport. Damn! We were to be meeting them in just a few moments and we were in the wrong place! We quickly found out where the actual location was and made our way there as fast as we could. On the way, Athena sent them a text message letting them know where we would be. We arrived at the new pre arranged spot......and, with our hearts pounding, we waited.

And waited.

And waited a little more.

In reality, it wasn't more than a few minutes, but it seemed like an eternity.....Over the past months we had forged some amazing connections with them, we had exchanged a lot of pictures, so we knew what they looked like, and we had spent a lot of time interacting online so we knew their personalities to a large degree.... everything we had done together had been incredibly fun and natural....but even still, during those last few nervous minutes we couldn't help but have countless feelings and questions race through our minds..... what would they be like in person?....how would it feel to really be with them completely without the filter of technology between us? How would it feel to be able to connect with them for the first time in all the ways that are only available in person?......

Athena and I were leaning over the railing, looking down at where all the arriving passengers were getting on the escalator that would take them up to baggage claim, when we caught our first glimpse of Odysseus and Penelope. Within seconds they looked up, and we all saw each other for real for the first time. It was one of those moments where everything else in the room faded into the background as we became totally focused on each other. We held up our sign that said "Ginormous Cock and Sweet Tits" (pet names from an online game, and written in very cursive writing, so hopefully we wouldn't get thrown out of the airport), and began to take each other in as they rode the escalator up to where we were. A few steps off the escalator and we were all sharing warm embraces. I just a few moments any last shreds of nervousness that I had been feeling completely faded away. As I hugged Penelope for the first time and gave her a "social" kiss, our eyes locked for a moment and I got a fleeting hint of her depth and sensuality. Wow.

We made our way to the baggage carousel and talked about the events of the day that had occurred during the time we had been out of contact. Pretty routine stuff about the trip and the baggage and the adventures Athena and I had in getting to the airport. All the while we were taking each other in some more....continuing to learn each other's body language and vibe. It was amazingly intoxicating to see and feel them for the first time.

With bags finally in hand we made our way to the car for the ride back to our place. I was driving, Penelope took the passenger seat in front next to me and Odysseus and Athena got in the back seat. On the way back we all began talking as a group and then on and off as pairs. At one point things got pretty quiet in back and Penelope and I noticed that Odysseus and Athena were making out in the back seat. Damn! I knew I should have asked Athena to drive! Penelope and I looked at each other and she smiled in a way that made me know instantly that our patience and restraint on the drive home would all be worth it.

When we got back to our place, we made our way inside first for a moment to show Odysseus and Penelope their room. We then started to unload the car and bring in their luggage. As it turned out, I was the last one to make a trip out to the car, and when I got back inside I was pleasantly surprised to find Odysseus, Penelope, and Athena on the bed.....all relaxing and giving each other back rubs.....

Penelope was laying face down on the bed....Odysseus was laying next to her. Athena had been rubbing his back, and had also been reaching over occasionally to rub Penelope's back as well....it didn't take me long to move closer and began to massage Penelope's legs.....I was just beginning to run my fingers up the insides of her thighs when she rolled over and said something like "When do Poseidon and I get to kiss?". My heart was racing as I moved up to the head of the bed and leaned in to kiss her.

For the first time, our lips touched and we shared a slow, soft, and amazingly sensual kiss. Before this point I had wondered how we would connect on the most basic physical level, how we would mesh and feel to each other. It took only a fraction of a second for me to find out......

It was more than the physical kiss we shared, it was the way in which we became in sync with each other and exchanged our passion and energy that made that moment incredibly intense. It just felt right. And in that moment I knew, everything that I had been hoping and fantasizing about during the time that we had been interacting online wasn't even going to come close to the reality of feeling her in person.

We kissed for a while longer, each kiss deliciously building in intensity, as we massaged each other a little more.......

At some point we all realized that it was getting pretty late and that we should at least try to get some sleep. Odysseus suggested that we swap sleeping partners.... Penelope and I in one bed, he and Athena in another..... with the limitation that we not do anything more advanced sexually than we already had during our make out session. This sounded like a very hot idea to all of us and we all agreed instantly. Penelope and I shared quick kisses with Athena and Odysseus and said our goodnights to them. We then made our way to our bed and began kissing and making out even before we tumbled onto the sheets. Our prior short makeout session had been amazing, and what we were doing now just built on that. We began by rubbing each other's backs and stroking each other softly..... that didn't last long though, things got intense very quickly and within a few minutes we were locked in some very intense kissing.

Penelope is an amazing kisser and is is able to convey an incredible amount of erotic energy in her kisses, and within that energy are messages about what she is feeling...and a lot of feedback on what we are doing with each other and how we are connecting. That positive feedback we share is amazingly compelling, and very effective at guiding us both to higher and higher intensity levels.....

Before long we were rolling around on the bed, grinding against each other while we kissed, softly at first, slowly increasing in intensity until we were gasping for breath. We then began exploring each other with our tongues and fingers for a while before finding our way back to long passionate kisses. I was caressing her tits as she was grabbing my ass and pulling me close...As the intensity increased even more, our hands were all over each other and we began getting closer and closer to the boundary that we had set. For a few electrifying moments we pushed the edge of the envelope and I found myself caressing Penelope's pussy while she stroked my cock. It was amazing, our pulses raced even higher......

We made out and kissed passionately for what must have been hours.....only pausing briefly from time to time to come up for air or when the giggling and playful whispers about Penelope and I ...."what are they doing in there!!?"..... coming from Odysseus and Athena in the other room became loud enough for us to notice.

Eventually, from sheer exhaustion, we began to slow our actions and drifted into a sweet dreamlike state, occasionally kissing and softly running our fingers along each other's bodies...... then, pressed tightly against one another, our arms and legs intertwined, we fell asleep, snuggling as one under the warm blanket.

Wow. What a night!

Every now and then in life, we are fortunate enough to experience something so amazing and intense that it affects us to the very core and becomes an immediate part of who we are. That first night was one of those moments.

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that all of the nights to come would be exactly the same way.......

First Night (by Athena)

Well.. there's certainly accuracy in those first moments being a bit awkward. We had been a bit concerned as the point on the map that was supposed to be O&P's exit from their gate turned out to not actually exist. So after a bit of scrambling we discovered what the actual point would be and then waited anxiously there. All those months leading up to this point seemed amplified.. and having to wait an extra few minutes as they cleaned up was torture. I suppose Poseidon and I probably did stick out a bit.. in all my traveling by air I've never seen anyone waiting in a grass skirt and Hawaiian garb with leis in hand.. except for, of course, in Hawaii. But it was fun and might have helped to break the ice a little.

I was somewhat surprised by O's height. I knew he was tall.. but somehow having him actually standing right next to me, towering over me with his powerful presence invoked a feeling of security. Not that I haven't felt pretty secure my whole life.. but I found this very comforting. Hugs all around gave me a quick chance to breathe them both in deeply. P is stunning.. even when she's nervous. We filled the time with silly small talk of happenstance and bags.. and then made our way to the car.

After tossing their bags in the back it had to be determined who would ride where. As Poseidon was driving it seemed like it would only be fair to have O sit up front with him. There was concern for his comfort in the back seat.. with so little room for him to stretch out his long legs. But he said he'd rather ride in the back with me.. and I was certainly not going to argue with that decision. We all piled in.. and headed for the exit. It couldn't have been very long before I felt O's hand on my leg.. his strong arm around my shoulder.. pulling me next to him. And no.. it wasn't long before our tongues entwined and my breath was taken away completely by this amazing man.

O & I had shared some sexy chats online.. and I think we both felt a strong connection in those instances where our deepest sex driven thoughts were allowed to run wild. O had said that he and I were exactly the same kind of dirty.. which I loved.. and couldn't agree with more. But I could never have imagined until that first real kiss how truly right it would feel. In just moments I realized he was meant to be part of my life.. that the love I'd felt for him for months watching him from afar.. was true and could no longer be denied.

It's probably not fair to discuss all of this without mention of the attraction I also feel for his lovely wife. Penelope is absolutely stunning, radiating an authentic air of pure sultry steamy sexiness. I couldn't have gotten my fill of her in months.. let alone the short time we had together in this visit. Somehow we wound up spending a lot of time divided as couples.. not that we didn't have plenty of fun as a group.. but I'm painfully aware of the missed opportunity that she and I alone could have enjoyed and were not able to find the chance for. Next time...

Stolen kisses and fondling in the back seat made me feel like I was in 8th grade again. The heightened state of ecstasy derived from exploring someone new for the first time.. breathing him in.. running my fingers through his hair.. it was enough to make my heart skip quite a few beats. But if there was any hesitation circulating around the two of us it was certainly not based on any aspect of us sharing each other.. only in the fact that Penelope and Poseidon were unable to also participate. But O and I were impossible to separate.. like mega magnets placed in a box too small.. Still, we managed occasionally to pull ourselves back to reality in an attempt to put some time and space there so we wouldn't get too far ahead of the pair in the front seats.

Even still, melting into those strong arms felt like the most right thing in the world.. and when the time finally did come to catch a few hours of sleep his loving arms holding me, caressing me, showing me how amazing life can be was a feeling I never wanted to end. I can't believe it's only been a week since we said our goodbyes in tears at the airport.

The Real Thing

Wow. Where to begin indeed! I think Penelope gave a good hint of the intense physical fun we all had.. she has a better memory of time lines than we do and we'll certainly chronicle the fun we had here in the days to come.. but for now we just wanted to convey what we felt was the most amazing part of all of this.

O&P are amazing in every sense of the word. She is more beautiful, sensual and erotic than the glimpses in the pictures you've seen could even begin to convey.. with a depth of emotion and understanding that boggles the mind. He is open, attentive, absorbing, intensely passionate and insanely hot!

It was truly devastating to watch them disappear behind TSA security gates. We miss them tremendously. Yes, the contact we have digitally and via phone calls will sustain life until we can all get together again.. but it's certainly not the same.

But no matter what we did physically, the most amazing component to this adventure is the connection we have all made emotionally. It's complicated, it's sometimes painful, it's life sustaining, and it's totally fucking awesome. Thinking and feeling together at the levels we now connect with O&P on has expanded our minds and deepened our own connection with each other tremendously. And, it has illustrated that perhaps the societal expectation of monogamy being the "norm" might be rooted in the fact that this is not child's play. There's a lot going on here.. and without a lot of reflection and contemplation and just plain emotional honesty most people would likely not be capable of dealing with it.

But for those of us who are willing to risk the comfort and security we have and journey beyond our established emotional unions, there's nothing like the love and raw energy that flows freely in the world of polyamory. You will experience highs and yes, sometimes occasional lows unlike you've felt for a long time.. but more than anything, if you're lucky.. like we have been.. you will be blessed with mental and emotional positive returns far in excess of anything you could ever imagine.

Go.. search.. enjoy. Be strong. Keep it open. Be respectful. Have the time of your life. Maybe if enough of us see the wonder and beauty of it all we can make it a little easier.

Life is good!

So little do I know...

In the many years I've walked this earth I've spent a bit of time having sex.. giving sex.. watching sex.. even just thinking about sex.. and I thought I'd learned just about enough to keep myself and my partners happy. From my sexual infancy exploring different types and lengths of orgasms was a blissful challenge I was all too thrilled to call my primary form of recreation. With the tender encouragement of Poseidon I learned to be multi-orgasmic. I'm currently enjoying the challenge of learning to deep throat a rock hard cock.

I understand my knowledge is only so vast.. but I never considered it to be still in its infancy until I read this article on Catalina's blog. I've never actually been exposed to someone who was really into the BDSM side of sex and was never particularly interested in exploring it myself. And while I may have fantasies that involve me being tied up and ravaged by hordes of men and women who would love to have their way with me.. that doesn't mean I'd ever really like to make such scenarios reality. I think, at least for now, that those images need to stay in my fantasies. But reading that article must have sparked some latent curiosity within me, some hidden spark that was just waiting for the proper nudge to make me open up to the whole concept and all it has to offer the sexually adventurous.

As I read the article I found I kept asking myself the basic question of why? Forget about the whole Dom/Sub issues.. that I can wrap my head around.. what I didn't get was the actual mechanism involved that would make deprivation of oxygen, regardless of means, improve sex and the pleasure derived therefrom. Enter Google. I love Google. I searched and I learned. Among other things pertaining to this technique called breath control play I found a video of a Sub getting stroked to ejaculation while standing on a stack of phone books, a noose tied around his neck. As he begins to cum his Dom kicks the support out from under him and allows him to dangle as his orgasm continues, then quickly goes off screen to release the rope from its hook while his orgasm subsides. I watched, partially in horror, as this scene, lasting mere seconds and not even remotely erotic to me, played out. Unfortunately, this scene did nothing to explain to me why this action was even associated with sex.. but now as I learn more I may at least be able to understand part of it.

Even though I may not be able to appreciate the requirement for the elaborate means to which this pair arrived at their end I am beginning to understand the goal they targeted. While I may never share their appreciation for ropes, or be tempted by a gas mask, I definitely can tell you that the simple act of reducing my oxygen supply by controlling my breathing towards that end did wonders for the intensity of my orgasms last night. I guess I still have a lot to learn.

Looking at the pretty colors...

Once upon a time I gazed upon the splendor of a mighty waterfall. Its thunderous power drew me into it.. I became one with the rushing water.. I was awestruck. As the energy flowed through my body and showed me a new reality I lost all track of time. And then I looked again and I was rewarded with a splendid rainbow.. a magical delight for the eyes to be sure. There I was.. enveloped by water spray, my bare skin tingling with the landing droplets, evaporating and cooling me in the blistering heat. My every sense was at full attention. For a few blessed moments, a mere blip in the time line of my life, I felt connected with the cosmos. I actually believed in that moment that there was a higher purpose.. perhaps even a plan.. and I was somehow privileged to be part of it.

As the mortal side of me stood there gazing upon this wonder of nature I reflected on what this might mean to me and how I might be able to use this understanding to make myself a better person. The answers seemed to be entwined in the streams of water pouring over the cliff but I could not see them clearly. The struggle to find them turned to a challenge.. and so I did not turn away. I looked deeper and realized they were but mere shadows.

Many years have passed since that glimpse into comprehension and I've learned in that time that the answers were hard to see because they were not yet written. That although the path is lined with opportunities that lead in different directions it is the journey that makes the exploration worthwhile. And I could never have imagined it then as I had yet to meet him but it was Poseidon in the water that day who captured my spirit and flew with me over the falls. Together we are splashing in the endless streams of water, all the while the shimmering rainbow illuminates our journey.