Goodbye O&P.. it was fun!

I just noticed Odysseus and Penelope have completely removed their blog. They've been coming to some hard conclusions lately about what their adventures meant to them and how they struggled with the influences of their traditional upbringing. I haven't really had a chance to talk with them about any of this for a long while now, and the thought of doing so after dinner while playing with the baby just doesn't feel right. I suppose we just want to respect their choices and give them the distance from all of this that they seem to need right now. We love them and wish nothing but the best for them in this new chapter of their lives. <3

Where's My Crystal Ball?

As a child, before I met Poseidon, I had this idealized vision of what "the one" for me would be. I seriously doubted that I would ever find the man or woman who was my vision of perfection, but I still had hope. Then I met Poseidon. And although not the ultimate definition of what I wanted in that "perfect love", we connected on basically everything. We were so alike in so many ways, the friendship we developed was enough for me to dismiss my prior dreams as childish and recognize that he was what I needed. I gave up the fantasy and loved him completely. We were great partners, companions, friends. My best friend, in fact. I never doubted our emotional connection, although there were times that I wished that he could be a little more feeling, a little more connected to me emotionally. I understood logically that it just wasn't that way and accepted it. We shared decades together on exactly the same page.

Then one day I found myself on an interesting journey with my life partner. We explored new concepts of sharing love.. not just sex. We met Penelope and Odysseus and got to know them. We spent countless hours in chat, writing emails, on the phone, and eventually in person. Everyone here knows what an amazing guy Odysseus is, and pretty early on I felt that "there he is" feeling. Here was a man who could feel me. And, it seemed, we connected deeply. We held back no emotions and all jumped into the experience without reservations. It was amazing. I had discovered that it was not too late to find "the one" and basked in the assurance that having that dream could still happen, albeit in an unusual union of 4 instead of 2.

Then real life happened. There were difficulties integrating "the secret" into every day life. Big and little things had to be figured out, discomforts dealt with, boundaries and limitations put in place. Emotions soared out of control on occasion, but it was all part of the process of integrating each other into our lives.. into reality. We all knew we could not continue living that fantasy and so things changed to be more agreeable, more comfortable, more sustainable, for us all. Emotions were reigned in and sex was out. Somewhere around that time Penelope and Odysseus got pregnant.. and any remaining show of affections seemingly vanished overnight.

I grieved for what I had found and then lost. Although the "no sex" rule had been put in place there had never been any spoken requirement to shut off emotions.. and yet it seemed that was exactly what had happened. It confused me.. was it ever real? Was it all just more ego stroking? Doubts soared, and those coupled with all that was going on with Hera, and virtually no discussion about it, left me lost. Meanwhile I wanted, no needed, that connection from Poseidon more than ever.. but it's just not in his nature. I felt guilty for wanting more than Poseidon could give me.. no matter how much I wanted him to. I felt resentment and anger towards Poseidon for not being that for me, for not wanting to be that for me, assuming he could be if he even did want to be. We suffered communication and emotional breakdown. I picked him apart, found (or agreed with) every fault and tried, subconsciously, to divide us. Perhaps my twisted logic said that if he wasn't there I wouldn't have to endure the guilt and confusion of all that was spinning around uncontrollably in my head. It didn't help that he responded with anger and confusion of his own, fueling the path to destruction.

But we're stronger than that at our core. We picked it apart, we talked about it, analyzing it till we were both so drained there was simply no energy left. With our base logic and the tremendous support we have for each other, plus a core belief that we should each do everything we can to help the other be happy, we figured out what was going on and were able to see it for what it was. It's taken a lot of effort to get here. Penelope and Odysseus have themselves been remarkably helpful and supportive through this process that they no doubt found exceptionally confusing.. and perhaps even scary at times. The exploration of self, of what drives us and our reactions, has been intense and exhausting, but I wouldn't change a thing. Penelope and I have become great friends and I love her tremendously. I'm torn apart by wanting more from her and Odysseus than they are comfortable giving, and the comfort and security I want her to feel knowing SHE is the only one who is important to Odysseus, the only one he would choose to love.

Having realized all of this has smoothed things with Poseidon again. We're best friends, and always will be. I'm hopeful that he can come to a place soon where he can forgive me completely for what I've put him through. With each of these challenges that we're faced with and are able to work through, our love for each other grows and is strengthened, and I've never felt more in love with Poseidon than I do right now.

As for the 4 of us.. I can dream of a time when we can all share our love openly and securely amongst ourselves without concern for the oppressive views of society.. just truly loving each other together in love's most perfect form. It may be possible if we can focus on the positive energy and support and let go of the fear. As the strength and beauty of what our group is can only be had with all of us present and participating, division from within would be certain destruction. Only the future knows what may come, and its not sharing any secrets.

Catching Up...

Lots going on around here.. and posting about it all before now seemed.. well.. possibly detrimental. We had, up until recently, still been working through some remaining issues that were hindering understanding in a few areas. Thankfully, we seem to have worked through what remaining bits of reservations we may have had lingering and are in a much better place with our relationship. I will try to add a little bit to what Penelope wrote.

One thing I should say that I think might be useful to some is that Poseidon and I were very private people before this transition in our lives. We focused pretty exclusively on ourselves and our kids and didn't really have close friends with whom we could share more intimate elements of ourselves. It had been a few years since any poly adventures and meeting O & P, with whom we had so much in common, plus the potential benefits of hot and sweaty fun, was amazing.

It was so easy to fall in love.. this relationship was so much more than the purely physical adventures we'd experienced before. We connected on so many levels.. it just felt right. But in the excitement we didn't recognize a few key differences that have caused some confusion. One of those was that Poseidon and I have the poly philosophy ingrained in us to our cores. Although we recognized that might not the case for O & P, and that they were new to these adventures, I don't think either of us really considered the possibility that it could be just an experimental phase.. that it might be possible to shut that part of our relationship off and go on as if nothing had ever happened in our collective sweaty nakedness. And when that turn came we were indeed confused and left wondering what had happened. Our communication at that point had not yet matured completely to where we could discuss it openly.. and on some levels I'm pretty sure we all just needed some time to breathe and figure out what it was that was going on. Of course the pregnancy was a big part of that and we tried to always respect their needs for time and space to process what was going on. But there were definitely times when we wondered if the pull back may have been caused by us.. or something we had done.. or said.. or whatever. Insecurities have a way of rearing their ugly heads in situations like that.

Another difference we discovered is that (and perhaps this is a universal human trait.. would have to do more research on this) we tend to look at the actions of others and assign our own motivations to them had we performed the same actions. It took some time to figure out that each of us has different perceptions of events based on what our lives have taught us.. and no matter how similar we may be in some areas.. we are different in others. Recognizing that difference in perspective.. the difference in our lenses.. has cleared the way for much better understanding. It's hard enough sometimes for a husband and wife to learn those differences in each other.. but then throw in a second husband and wife.. so now you have four people learning those differences in each other.. and you're bound to run into misinterpretations. It's taken a lot of patience and a strong core friendship to get us through those.

We are learning a lot about what drives us, how we respond to various situations, what the bases for our reactions are. We are all very analytical and love to explore these points so it's been ultimately beneficial to go through this (I think). We're exceptionally lucky in that we are all supportive of each other and can open up completely without feeling like we'll be judged or shunned. I think that strong base friendship has been the key to this whole thing.. it has been the glue that binds us together.

Moving past the past...

What an interesting 2 months it's been. I discovered under the recent unusual evolution of my life and the stress that came from it that I had some issues from long ago hiding in the cobwebs of my brain that I needed to work through. They were buried very deep but still affecting me, my behavior and responses, and worst of all, the way in which I process new relationships, especially with women.

Learning about these deeply buried hindrances allowed me to analyze what impact they were still having on me and address those limitations in myself. Having done that I feel tremendously better, not only about myself, but also about my feelings and how my actions affect those closest to me. Of course this is only touching lightly on the surface of the issue.. I'm not going to get too deep into it here.. but suffice it to say I feel as if great stone walls have been crumbled under this new awareness.

Enter my relationship with Penelope. We were having some trouble in figuring each other out. We've discussed my issues and I couldn't be happier to report that we are now climbing over those heaps of rubble from those crumbled walls and forming an amazing friendship. Life is good.