Goodbye O&P.. it was fun!

I just noticed Odysseus and Penelope have completely removed their blog. They've been coming to some hard conclusions lately about what their adventures meant to them and how they struggled with the influences of their traditional upbringing. I haven't really had a chance to talk with them about any of this for a long while now, and the thought of doing so after dinner while playing with the baby just doesn't feel right. I suppose we just want to respect their choices and give them the distance from all of this that they seem to need right now. We love them and wish nothing but the best for them in this new chapter of their lives. <3

Happy New Year!

I just had the best sex of my life. Poseidon and I fucked for over an hour and I swear I came the whole time. Way to ring in the new year. ;)

Happy fucking everyone!

Why Primary Means Just That

We recently had a chance to chat with Justin & Betty. They are a lot of fun and I look forward to doing it again soon. One of the first things I was asked was how are things with "Mr. West Coast". It took me a second to realize to whom they were referring.. and as things have changed significantly.. he wasn't on the top of my thought pile.

I really don't want to get into all the details here.. for obvious reasons. Instead, I'm going to take the opportunity to just ramble about relationships instead. I'll try to make it good.. don't go just yet. =)

Traditionally, monogamous marriages provide a decent amount of security for the participants. You play the field.. figure out what you want.. and those of us lucky enough to find it get married. The uncertainty of the future fades away, replaced by idealized visions of what the happy family, complete with 2.3 kids, a dog and a house with a white picket fence might be like should we ever be able to attain it.

Time goes by, the individuals are typically exposed to varying experiences and personal growth curves, and inevitably, quite a large percentage of those unions end in divorce. The people they were when they thought things were so great are no longer as they have slowly morphed into different people. Those different people can't always see eye to eye and the fighting breaks out. Only 63% of American children grow up with both biological parents in the household. Since divorce is particularly devastating to the children, any method that could be conjured to prevent that separation, one might think, would be a good thing.

If the married couple with children can find a way to coexist for the benefit of the children (and perhaps for the benefit of themselves- all redeeming qualities of a spouse haven't likely ceased to exist entirely) then the family structure can be maintained on some level. The children might actually get to interact with each parent every day and will likely continue to feel the same security they would if the parents were truly still in love. I certainly remember classmates whose parents slept in different bedrooms. I recall various explanations; one of them snored loudly, one liked to read in bed and the light kept the other awake, among others. I wonder now if those marriages were some of those being held together for the benefit of the children.

But can we be happy in such an arrangement? Is it technically a "separation" if you're still residing in the same house? If terms and conditions can be worked out to allow an amicable coexistence, one NOT fraught with constant fighting, then in theory the children would be better off in the long run. It would take very mature individuals to be able to pull that off. Set aside the differences.. forget about the things that annoy the hell out of us.. just be friends to one another and be there for the family. Despite the possibility that the parents might not still be in love with each other, there is bound to be lingering love for each other. Love.. caring and concern for the others' well being.. one would think would still be there for the parent of our child(ren), if even not at the same level than was there historically.

If we can open up our minds and hearts sufficiently to allow this type of arrangement for the benefit of the children, then certainly we can be open to the idea of communal living with others we love. I picture large Italian villas filled with three generations of family members. Sure the fighting happens.. but the underlying caring is always there. In the end, it would take the parents, those who are separated but holding the family together for the sake of the children, to make decisions about what each of them wants or needs to feel complete again.

For some people there is nothing outside of themselves necessary to complete them. Yet many of us seek out companionship, friendship, and connections that deepen as the relationship evolves. It's a fundamental part of the human experience. We are not, by nature, solitude beings. How wonderful it would be to have complete faith and trust that the children are safe and well cared for by one of their parents, rather than a potentially sketchy baby sitter, when the time comes to spend time with persons other than the separated spouse. Balance and fairness certainly would come into play.. each party needs to feel they're getting their fair share of time to explore other options. But that's easy.. a simple agreement sets up the frequency and duration of such time.

So here we have a set up in which the children feel secure, there's no fighting about who gets the children on various birthdays and holidays, and the separated spouses can still draw upon each others' strengths. We've eliminated entirely the wasted funds required to maintain two separate households, not to mention the gasoline wasted driving back and forth from Mom's house to Dad's, and back again. It seems a very "green" solution. Inevitably, one or both of the parents are going to find new love. That new person is going to have some unconventionality to work through if they want to be a part of that parent's life.

In a way this is all a kind of prelude to what I had running through my mind when I found new love. It's not that Poseidon and I have grown so far apart that divorce would be the only option, but we do have our differences. It was my understanding that our relationship allowed for love outside of our primary relationship, but it would seem that is based entirely on balance and inclusion, rather than only ONE of us finding that deeper connection outside of the marriage. Poseidon felt excluded, shunned, and replaced by my relationship with "Mr. West Coast". Whereas I believed that he would be happy for me that I had found a connection with an amazing person, he was resentful and hurt that I would even consider such a thing.

We've discussed the implications at such great length that it became tiresome. Yet, through this process, I have a much better understanding of him and what drives him. I'm certain I have a better understanding of myself and what drives me. To be the recipient of another person's affections is wondrous, to be sure. To be made to feel like you're important to someone else is exhilarating. And when you hold each other, or kiss, and the connection feels unbreakable, like some bond that was meant to be, it's easy to let the partner by marriage slip a notch or two.

For most married people in a monogamous relationship, that occurrence in itself is the beginning of the end. Choices have to be made, arguments are generated in a bizarre psychological dance that is designed to distance ourselves from the old partner. Perhaps it's just nature saying "move on.. time for new genetic diversity in the species". Perhaps it's just inevitable as we grow, sometimes apart, that new and different connections are what keep us going.

Throughout all of this I never really questioned that Poseidon still loved me, and I knew that I still loved him. That primary bond, one that has existed essentially for my entire adult life, feels unbreakable. The secondary connections never quite seem to hold up to the same degree. Affections fade, attention and concern wanes, other priorities in that person's life squeeze you out. It's easy to feel confused, hurt and misguided. Why was it necessary for what was once okay to evaporate? Or maybe it never was okay and we were just deluding ourselves.. wishing to be something we were not. Maybe we're too concerned about hurting other more important people in our lives to risk it. Maybe it wasn't meant to be in the first place. Infatuation fades, pain sets in, the aching begins and we are left alone to find a way to heal.

Yet, thankfully, in this amazing marriage with Poseidon, I have never felt left alone. Through the pain we have each felt we have found new strength in ourselves along with new understanding. Was the pain worth it? Maybe. Probably. I don't think I'm jaded sufficiently that I would deny such a relationship should one wander my way in the future. I would, however, be a little more cautious next time.　

New Found Love

What a crazy month it's been! Having arrived back home after several weeks away I found myself inundated with chores of various natures to busy me and divert my thoughts from my new found love. Yes, that's right, an amazing man has captured my heart and has me excited about future possibilities. Physically, he's still very far away but I hope to fix that soon. This evolution has brought about much discussion between Poseidon and myself, most of which seems to center around his concerns based on him not actually knowing this person to whom I have given my heart.. at least part of it.. and how including this person in our lives might alter our relationship. My dearest Poseidon is watching out for me and doesn't want to see me get hurt. I appreciate immensely his caring and concern and know that it comes from his heart. This could prove to be some tricky stuff, depending on how we deal with it.

Circumstances led to me spending a great deal of time with this as yet nameless individual. (Perhaps someone more familiar with Greek mythology could offer a suggestion?) It was not my intention to open my heart to him but it was really quite unavoidable. Working together on a project and spending 4 days mostly together, exchanging stories and getting to know one another on a deeper level, I realized the morning of the 5th day that I did indeed love him. As our relationship (as it was) was totally open and honest I felt it was natural to share this with him. He reciprocated with his own honesty and feelings.. and at that moment I realized I could be in trouble. More specifically, Poseidon and I could be in trouble. As I was only just beginning to realize what was happening I didn't know how to share this information with Poseidon. I was less than open with him about it because I was myself still figuring out what it really was. Was it real? Was it lasting? Was it significant enough that I would choose to disrupt our family, our marriage, for the raging oxytocin levels in my brain? I came home and thought long and hard about it. I eventually realized something that should have been clear to me from the beginning, but despite the openness in our sexual lives I hadn't applied that openness to love, especially when it came to an unbalanced situation that did not include Poseidon. With Penelope and Odysseus, the love that grew for them grew in both of us, for both of them. This situation was different. It was one-sided, unbalanced, and doesn't really leave any sort of opportunity for Poseidon to be enriched emotionally, other than the fact that I am now a happier person. That positive energy echos back into our relationship, which I will always consider primary. In talking about all of this Poseidon and I have grown even closer. The depth of our love and caring for one another has never been more evident and taking just that fact into account helps me to understand that opening ourselves up to outside loves could never be a bad thing if it's not kept hidden or made into something "bad" based on deception.

I know that when Poseidon and my new love finally get together that they will form a strong bond.. a friendship that will last a lifetime. They are very similar in so many ways, and yet different in so many as well. They share many of the same interests (not just me =) and hobbies.

Of course we have discussed the possibility of including my new love in my/our sex life. I always love a good DP and seldom have the opportunity to fulfill that desire and here is the perfect opportunity for me to have that on a more regular basis! Yay! But certainly that activity wouldn't be the only method in which we might bond. There are sure to be times when I want just him, or just Poseidon. How do we work that out? Do I draw up a calendar and schedule sex with them on certain days so that they both feel like they're getting their fair share of me? In a way that makes me feel like a piece of meat. Not that I don't love sex, and always have, but to be somehow obligated to perform brings with it a bad taste to my tongue. What will sleeping arrangements be like? Will there be room for the three of us in one bed? I love the idea, however Poseidon is at this moment less than warm to that possibility. It seems silly to me to require him to live elsewhere.. communal living arrangements in general makes so much more sense financially. So many questions.. and no chance yet to put any of it into practice to see how things might work out.

For now this all lives in a kind of fantasy realm in my head. I know that it is inevitable that we will have to figure out the details but for now we have other tasks to attend to. We have plenty of time to ponder such possibilities in the next few months. Interestingly enough, as my new love and I have not had sex, I find myself wondering what that might even be like. Although our emotional connection is deep and real, we may not click in bed. How would that be? It's strange to think about and yet exciting at the same time. For now I'm left to my fantasies.. hot sweaty passion with two men who love me immensely, then passing out together with one of them on either side of me.. pure heaven.

On sex.. continued

Ha! See this is one of the reasons why I love Penelope. She always has the most amazing viewpoints that offer perspective that I would never have considered. But she is completely right. For a lot of women sex is about all of those things. It's funny that for men sex is just about getting off. Maybe there was some dysfunction in my childhood, I would be the last person to argue that point, but I never saw sex as something that was related to that. If there was ever a thought in my head that had anything to do with my parents regarding sex it was only that I wasn't going to let their expectations, their value system or their wishes influence what I wanted. I'd had it proven to me enough times that their virtues were less than virtuous. And that's about all I have to say about that.

I do find it fascinating that, in this society, it's perfectly acceptable for men to enjoy sex just for the sake of it yet for a woman to do so is considered sketchy. I never really quite understood those women who would go on and on about how demeaning it is for those poor depraved porn starlets to have to do that for money. I saw what they were doing as amazing.. they got to fuck all these amazing cocks and get paid for it too? Wow. Diseases aside, it seems like a pretty sweet deal. But I digress...

I love to fuck. I love to see other people having a great time fucking. All those other things aren't even remotely a consideration for me. In my youth I sought out older guys for a few different reasons, not the least of which was that they were typically experienced enough in the process in general that they would actually pursue sex. Most 14 year old boys don't have the confidence required to actively engage a girl for the purpose of sex.. hell they're just happy you're talking to them! In addition to the confidence factor there were practical reasons as well for seeking out older guys. They often had cars, a place to go, a friend with a place to go. Geez.. I just imagined the picture of me in my youth desperately seeking out some good place to go and get some good fucking on that you might be conjuring.. how sordid it must seem! I guess I won't go into detail about the random guy I fucked in the back seat of an unlocked car on some nameless street behind his high school on that dark and rainy night.. or the condom we left on the floor in the back seat.. oh wait. Oops. ;)

Yes people, I was a slut. Maybe I still am. I think that the way I went about finding guys protected me to a large degree from the social fallout that would very likely have come my way had I been tempted to feed the fires of desire with guys I actually went to school with. In the simplest definition the older ones were safer. They also happened to be more attractive to me. They tended to be taller and more rugged looking. So really, the fact that I gravitated more towards older guys wasn't necessarily dictated by one particular thing. It was a combination of factors that included attraction and concern for my social standing. And the fact that they actually knew how to please me was bonus.

I love P's free association list. I just have to do this..

Sex becomes about giving the guy what he wants.
The insinuation here is that it's only being given because he wants it. But when I want it too then that doesn't work.

Sex becomes a choice between being good or being bad.
Ha. Who cares? If it feels good do it. If it's "bad" then it's only because society is all fucked up. How can something that feels so good, and is a biological requirement for the continuation of the species, ever be considered "bad"? Totally not valid to me.

Sex is about hoping the guy likes you, being so insecure that you 'give it up' at the expense of the higher morals and values that you're 'supposed' to have in the situation.
This only works if the guy you're trying to catch wants a woman with "higher" morals and values. I, for one, do not believe that denying yourself sex so you can play power trips is necessarily a moral thing indicative of higher values. To me that's just lying.. and playing games that have no place in a loving, open relationship. If that is the basis for the relationship then count me out. And any guy who would believe in that is not worth much to begin with.

Sex is about deciding what and how much to give to maintain the balance between being good or being a slut, giving a guy enough so that he is happy and still respects you versus giving him too much so that he thinks you're a slut and talks about you to his friends.
If said guy can't appreciate and value what he has available in me and make efforts to avoid hurting my feelings then he's not worth much either.

Sex is about thinking you're not good enough, so you just give it up to whoever wants you so you feel affection and as if you're liked.
Interestingly, I think this is a bit backwards. I think that there's a piece missing from this statement that would have to include something about said guy just fucking you and then moving on. But, if it's understood that the tryst is just that then it might actually serve the opposite purpose, if any purpose was intended to begin with. If a guy likes you well enough to want that sort of interaction then you've already moved past the initial barrier of not feeling worthy or attractive. If the whole idea is to simply obtain validation then the pursuit is validating enough. The fact that the desire is there in the first place is cause enough for validation. Why ruin it with sex, risking that the pursuit will end, if you don't want that yourself?

Sex is only really right if it is about love. If it is not about love, then you should feel guilty about it.
LOL. Sorry.. but in my mind love and sex are two very separate things. I can feel the deepest love in the world without ever touching a person's privates. And guilt, well that's just another connection society has made between a powerful emotion that should never be tied to sex, unless you're doing something illegal that's hurting someone. Sex is amazing, sex is freeing, and it feels so good. How can guilt be associated with that?

Sex is about giving in, and then feeling guilty afterwards.
Not standing your ground, no matter what the subject, is cause for remorse. This can only apply in sex if you don't want it yourself. And if you don't.. why not?? Are the lessons that society teaches so overwhelmingly powerful that we are helpless to question them?

Women are not supposed to "want" sex, like "that." If she does, she does so at the expense of being looked down upon by most people. (At least in young adulthood. If she's married and has a voracious sexual appetite, then the husband's just lucky.)
I'm seeing a theme emerge here. These ideas are all based on a puritanical viewpoint. I was raised in the church, these ideas are not foreign to me. I touched earlier on the fact that my parents, the people who were charged with instilling these so-called virtuous values and ideals that I was expected to carry forward into my adult life and later pass on to my children, were less than virtuous themselves. If anything that taught me it was that just because they had an association with the church and righteousness did not make them righteous people. I learned at a very young age by example to question authority. I never stopped doing it. It may very well be that my need to question what society states as being acceptable is the basis for my sexual freedom. Hm.

And most of all, for a woman, sex is mostly about being desired, not about actively desiring.
Interesting. I think, no, I know that even women perceived as unattractive by many will still be attractive to some. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all, and working your whole life to fit into some ideal of what is "attractive" is a waste of time. Because after you've spent your whole life devoted to making yourself attractive to others, acceptable to others, the only one that really matters is you. You have to be able to accept and love yourself for the person you are before you can ever hope to really truly earn the attraction of another person. I'm not saying that many women don't do just that.. but after face lifts, boob jobs, liposuction, tooth whitening, whatever, they are still the same people within. Beauty begins from the inside. But then I color my hair so who am I to preach? =)

Yes, P, you're totally correct. These days a lot of the guys I played with would be thrown in the slammer for life, called pedophiles, lives destroyed, blah blah blah. I wasn't thinking about that then.. although there was one guy I remember who, despite repeated efforts on my part, resisted. He would only go so far and then the brakes came on. Although I was disappointed I understood his reasoning and simply accepted that. The fact that he was headed towards becoming a police officer may very well have had something to do with it. But was what we were doing really so bad? I never thought of it as being so. I was appreciative that I had these opportunities to play and explore at a time when my hormones were raging out of control. If I had been stuck with 14 and 15 year old man wannabes I would likely have become a nun.

I didn't fully understand and appreciate my attraction for other females until later. I must have been 16 before my first girl-girl sexual experience. Maybe that has something to do with it. Being bi-sexual I must have a slightly different brain chemistry or whatever than a strictly heterosexual female. Maybe, just maybe, a little bit of those man brain cells grew inside my head and gave me a different perspective. One that allows me to enjoy sex for no other reason than it feels so fucking good.

As far as fucking if there's something brewing between Poseidon and I all I can say is this. I feel like, except for one brief moment in our time together, we have always been joined. The connection that we share is so incredibly deep and strongly rooted that any little thing that comes up that generates strife between us is recognized as just that.. a little thing. In the grand scheme of things we know deep down inside that, although we may disagree on a topic or whatever, it isn't going to be something capable of dividing us. That knowledge and strength that binds us together makes it easier to just put the stupid little shit on hold. It's just not significant enough to disrupt our deeper connection. And dammit.. if the opportunity comes up.. we're jumping all over it! Let the fucking commence!

On sex..

I've been lurking over on Justin & Betty's blog.. go check it out. They're at an interesting point in their journey and I've been thinking about what it all means to me. I think the best way to say it is thusly:

I love sex. I have since my hormones first started raging at the tender age of 13. Well.. no.. to be fair.. I was probably too freaked out by it all at 13 to really embrace it.. but by 14.. well that's another story. In those days we didn't know about AIDS and the big concern was pregnancy. It didn't take much to overcome that issue though so what was left was this amazing thing that was just awesome! Maybe I was just addicted to the oxytocin, but I loved sex and sought it out with guys who would not threaten my social position in 8th grade, as much of one as there was. They tended to be older, more experienced, more than happy to help educate a hot little blond slut of my tender years. I loved every minute of it. And, not to sound like I'm blowing my own horn here (he he) I loved that they had a pretty good time too.

I never saw sex for what a lot of the other girls I knew seemed to. They would use it as power, control, a few even entrapped men into marriage after they seemingly got pregnant intentionally. I lost a lot of respect for women in those days. Ha. They likely had no respect for me because I was the school slut, or so they may have guessed. I suppose the whole idea of just enjoying sex for sex's sake was a foreign concept to them. I didn't want or need any of that other baggage.. I just wanted to get off. And knowing that what I did was good at helping my partner get off was icing on the cake.

As I've grown and lived and life has evolved into more responsibility I still love sex. I still see it for what it is. It's just plain old sweaty fun. I watch my kids play in the sandbox, or swing on the swings, and I see them having their playtime the way they like it. Not that I don't love digging my toes down into the warm sand, and swinging is right up there on my list, but nothing.. NOTHING.. beats a 5 minute long orgasm. Now that's playtime the way I like it!

I feel sad for those women who can't embrace sex.. who have to use it for some other gain. I feel sad for their partners. They're both missing out on this amazing part of life that, I feel, should just be enjoyed just for the sake of enjoying it, for themselves and for their partner. I don't really understand it all, and I don't really need to. Thankfully, I'm not really in a position in life where I have to think about them all that often. Hm.. maybe that's why Poseidon and I can still fuck like bunnies if there's something brewing between us. We both see sex as a release.. I won't hold it from him because he didn't take out the garbage. I want it just as much as he does. We both derive benefit from the experience of sex. All that other nattering crap doesn't matter when he's pounding his cock deep in me, driving me to the brink of orgasm. Who gives a shit about the garbage at a time like that? Mmm.. just thinking about it is making me wet.

Ahem. The other component of this whole thing that I wanted to touch on is this. When I was young and having a great time exploring my sexuality I found I enjoyed very much the variety I was privy to. I never really seemed to latch on to one particular guy (or girl) choosing instead to remain free to pursue anybody I wanted. In a way, it may be that shared quality with many men that tended to make the male of the species a better friend to me. I never had an easy time making friends with women. Later introspection gave more explanations for that, but at the time I just felt more comfortable with guys. They didn't seem to play the same kinds of head games that the girls did. They seemed instead to be more interested in life for the experience, a perspective that I shared.

I was beginning to get concerned at sometime around 16 when I started to see other girls talking about long term relationships and commitment. Here these girls hadn't even yet gone off to college and actually seemed to be desirous of an exclusive relationship, with ONE guy, for the rest of their lives. I panicked. I wasn't sure what I wanted at that point, but I knew it wasn't that. I wanted to be able to have the variety I'd become accustomed to and enjoyed. But then I wanted kids, family, stability, security as well. I had begun to believe I would have to make a choice.

Then I met Poseidon who changed all of that. My naive little self hadn't considered that there was a third option. I learned it would be possible to have my cake and eat it too. We both loved sex for the sake of sex and we both enjoyed the other enjoying sex with others. We had a very interesting and unconventional relationship that broke the rules. Rules written by the society we are part of and, for the most part, are forced to conform to. Had we been raised in a society that said that every other Thursday you were allowed, nay expected, to go enjoy sex with someone other than your spouse, then none of us would have any hangups about doing it. We, as humans, only know what is taught to us when it comes to what's "normal". Despite what our society has taught us, I don't really see anything wrong with sex. It's interesting to think back on all the various reasons why sex became the closely guarded thing that it did but that's fodder for another post.

In the meantime, I think of the variety of sex with others than my life partner a bit like the variety I enjoy when I eat a meal. Sometimes I'm just in the mood for something different. It isn't so much that I wouldn't eat filet mignon at every dinner for the rest of my life, and enjoy it immensely, but sometimes I just feel like caviar, or pizza, or penne with truffle sauce, or a BBQ bacon cheeseburger, or whatever. Imagine a society in which it was expected that, once you hit some certain marker in your maturation, you are doomed to eat the same thing, day in and day out. I guess dogs do it.. and we could too.. but doing so would certainly not have the excitement and level of enjoyment that the variation provides for. And I enjoy that excitement. I enjoy the newness, the heart pounding exploration that goes with playing sexually with another person with whom I am not completely familiar. Interestingly enough, I love to cook. Sharing the meals I make with people who can appreciate them is gratifying to me. I enjoy them enjoying what I have created. Hm.. interesting.

I also happen to enjoy it when my husband gets to experience those same things. I know how amazing it is for me, and because we've talked about it, I know that it is just as amazing for Poseidon. I love that for him. I love for him to be able to experience the same excitement. It's a major concern.. if you're just doing it to make the other partner happy then you'll always feel resentment and these things will never work out. But, if you're doing it because you love it, and you love that your partner loves it too, and you derive enjoyment from their happiness, then I can't think of any reason why we wouldn't share ourselves by exploring and playing with others.

More complicated issues like balance come into the picture, of course, and the issues that keep us treating each other fairly are of the utmost concern. There's the whole issue of societal acceptance. I really am not all that concerned about what my neighbors think about me.. but still.. we do find ourselves quite concerned about appearances. Perhaps too much so. Having children amplifies that. We are not blind to the stigma, the unfair taunting they would have to endure if this sort of thing got out, and so we are careful. But in a mature, responsible group of people where there is no danger of divulgence or disease, I vote for wild sticky frolicking every other Thursday. At least.

Ramblings...

Like the song says.. life does indeed have a funny way of sneaking up on you.

In my tender youth I remember thinking and feeling, like most kids do I'm sure, that when I "grow up" I'm going to ............. (feel free to fill in the blank with just about anything). Funny thing is I was somehow waiting for this marked event to happen. One day I would be a kid.. and then the next day I would wake up feeling all grown up and mature, just like that, all the wonder of grown-up-dom suddenly made available in my psyche. As you all no doubt know (because of course there are no minors here to read this) it doesn't quite work that way.

I still FEEL like the same person I was when I was 17. The person I am inside was apparently being molded and shaped and formed from all of these experiences I had in my youth. I learned a lot in those precious years, starting with the very simple (yet exceptionally important) how to get around on my own and not go potty in my pants; to the more complex how to love someone unconditionally and deserve that same love back in return. Seemingly, millions of other useful nuggets are stored away up there in the cobwebs of my brain, occasionally accessed to assist in current predicaments, others still buried so deep I may never even recall them again, no matter how hard I try.

So when did I grow up? There's no doubt the kids at the creemee stand take a look at me and see a "grown up". I have kids of my own. I have responsibilities. I have family I've had to bury, friends I've said goodbye to for the last time, pain so deep it may never heal, love so amazing it keeps me alive, and endless hope for a future so astounding one couldn't possibly hope to describe it using mere words. All the lessons I learned along the way have also become a part of me, ingrained in my reactions, my fears, my hopes and dreams. I try so hard to bestow those lessons on my children so they won't have to make the same mistakes and feel the same hurt, yet I know they, like myself as a child, will ignore every word and demand they figure it out on their own. Poseidon and I both knew our stubborn streaks would be passed on to our kids. Whatcha gonna do?

Although I still feel like that same 17 year old girl, I'm not so blind to see that I am not that same 17 year old girl. One thing I find interesting is that I don't seem to be afraid of too much anymore. I guess you could say that all of the things I feared as a child I have seen, lived, endured... and I have survived them all. That may be a big motivating factor behind fear.. will I survive this whatever?

My son is afraid of the dark. He actually told me that the reason why he is afraid of the dark is that he thinks he disappears when the lights go out and the idea of that frightens him. Well yeah.. I could kinda see how it might. I love the dark, but I'm sure there was a time when I was that young when I too was afraid to sleep with the lights off. I was afraid of losing loved ones. It happened, I lived through it and moved on. We feel the pain, learn our lessons and try to apply them the best we can to make our tomorrows better. So maybe it's just the pain I'm afraid of. Could be. I hate pain. I really hate to hurt.

Ok.. so where was I going with this? Oh yeah..

Depending on how you look at it, life can be a series of adventures. Life can be just about whatever you make it. I find myself in an interesting position currently.. contemplating what my life is, and what do I want it to be, and how best shall I get there? It's mostly laid out because of the children. My life is no longer my own. I have these amazing little people I have to give myself to. Wanting to leave a little legacy of ourselves and audacious enough to think OUR kids might make a positive contribution to society, we chose to have children and see if we could pull that off. We're getting there.. but we're nowhere near close to being done with this chapter of our lives. That responsibility defines a kind of large umbrella under which we can place all of our other activities that we engage in. The children take priority, then under that layer there are others: my health and sanity, work, friends, family, basically all the other stuff that makes up our lives. Oh yeah.. and sex. We may be done making babies but we're not done having sex. So not done.

And so that brings me to the point of my post. At what level on the priority scale do I place sex? If we had chosen instead NOT to have children then that umbrella would have a different label. Maybe something still very important that, in this reality filled with children, must lie under the CHILDREN umbrella. If I had to choose one of those many things I would guess it would be SECURITY. Security is very important. Without security it's difficult to actually have any fun. It's almost impossible to take the time to explore and experiment. The mind is far too preoccupied by the mundane (roof, food, warmth) to venture out into more exciting territory. Yes, no question about it.. SECURITY it is. So security is a must, followed only then by sex.

We are animals. Oh I know, don't get yourself in a tizzy. We are NOT animals. We are refined, evolved, superior in every way walking, talking, civilized human beings. But, we're animals. At our cores we were meant to breed. Society's views and the need for security makes having endless babies a considerably irresponsible thing to do. But that doesn't mean we can't pretend we're making babies. Thankfully, our thoroughly evolved brains have devised numerous methods by which we can continue to fuck like rabbits without having to actually make more babies in the process. Perhaps that is why we grew up as a species.. so that we could control how many babies we make. The planet is already beyond the point of being able to comfortably maintain the amount of humans roaming upon it. If there were that many more? Oh what a disaster! Earth would surely be knocked out of its orbit, hurtle uncontrollably into the sun, and humanity would be lost forever.

I don't really think that's going to happen. Despite all the world wide bickering that goes on I think somehow we'll figure it out. Humans have an uncanny way of making the most important task the current priority. When it becomes clear that we must act I have no doubt that we will. We should be doing more now, but we're not. Upper echelon humans have a difficult task. They who wield the most power must determine on a constant basis what exactly is our greatest priority as a species. I may be living in a dream world but I like to think that there are actually positions somewhere up in those ranks that believe that doing the right thing, for the planet and the inhabitants thereof, is important. Admittedly, the powers that be have a difficult job. Not unlike us, they have the messy task of determining what is the highest priority at any given moment and focusing resources on coming up with a solution. Stop global warming, feed the people, heal the people, explore space, legislate Wall Street, keep us all safe from harm, stop terrorism, regulate the use of certain words in public, provide an education, etc etc etc. It never ends. It's a wonder the world works at all if you stop and think about it.. the task is daunting.

But priorities are seldom a static concept. In my tiny insignificant part of the universe I juggle my priorities constantly. It's a fluid process, kind of like watching a lava lamp. One issue rises to the top, gets the attention it requires, then falls away. Having been conquered, the vacancy left by that retreating priority allows for another to rise to the top of the lamp, get its attention and so on. It's a fluid, ever changing process. One moment work is priority number one because I'm facing a deadline.. the next a stinky diaper is priority number one. Food preparation, laundry, mow the lawn, pay the bills, call about the insurance, etc etc etc. It never ends! Again.. a daunting task.

The only way to handle it is to deal with it a little bit at a time. Chip one item off the massive pile of things needing attention and deal with it. Done with that? Move on to the next one. It takes a little practice and eventually they all just happen with no need to even think about it. But drop an inexperienced human into my life and expect it to cope? Ha. Fear would paralyze that poor unsuspecting soul within mere minutes. Hm. Fear? Fear of failure? Perhaps. Perhaps the fear of failure and all of the nasties that come along with it are what drive us at our core. Humans don't want to think about failing at reversing global warming because the idea that California should become the new Arizona Bay is just too scary. I don't want to think about failing at life because the idea that I could be living under a bridge, the state having taken my kids because I was unable to provide a safe home for them, is just too scary.

Hm. Fear is what drives it all? So, not unlike my 3 year old who is too afraid to sit in the dark because he thinks he'll disappear, we're too afraid to fail and so we do everything within our powers to make sure that doesn't happen. So, it would seem, it's all about our fears. Interesting. Maybe sometimes, when it gets so overwhelming that I'm questioning my own ability to cope, maybe then I could crawl into a closet, turn out the light, and just disappear. I know that I would not be consumed by fear that I had actually disappeared.. more likely fear about not getting things done, zero productivity, fear about what kind of trouble my kids are getting into, fear of having hurt a friend because I might have done or said something thoughtless. But then, you know, just to make SURE, I touch myself. Ah, good, still here. I can feel the warmth of my hand, the smoothness of my leg, the slight tingle of my fingertips brushing my thigh so lightly. Oh shit. I just shifted my priorities again. Now I need to cum. Everything else falls away.. the mind wanders.. my fingers taste sweet.. my clit swells and throbs.. I clench hard as I cum.. every muscle tensing as I ride every delicious wave as my orgasm subsides. I pause, and breathe. I rather like the soothing darkness of my closet.

But this orgasm has just made me hungry for more. I'm wet now.. so wet. I'll have sex on my mind all day as I wander through my mindless chores. I'm pretty sure Poseidon just had his priorities rearranged for when he gets home from work. But I have it on good authority that he rather enjoys those sorts of diversions. It's a shame I don't have a willing cock closer. It seems an eternity before he'll be home. But now it's time to go lay in the sun and work on my tan. I'll be dreaming of rock hard cock(s) thrusting in and out of me. Is your cock one of them? Mmmmm.... don't be afraid.. you have nothing to fear.. I'll be gentle with you.